I’m raising Sonia the same way I hoped my mom would see my move to France. When we moved, there was a little bit of “but what about me?” attached to it. And honestly? I don’t believe children are meant to put their entire lives on hold for their parents. I would never want Sonia to feel that pressure from me either.
Now, that doesn’t mean I believe in abandoning family or pretending people don’t matter as they age. I absolutely believe in love, care, support, and making sure the people you love are okay. I’ll do everything I reasonably can to make sure my mom is cared for and safe. But there’s a difference between caring for someone and making them your sole responsibility.
Parents have a responsibility to prepare for their own future too. Children are not retirement plans. They’re people with their own lives, dreams, families, careers, and paths.
I don’t see my mom as my responsibility in the sense that my entire life must revolve around her needs. I see her as someone I love deeply and would never leave struggling or alone if I could help it. There’s a big difference between obligation and love freely given.
Came here to say the same thing. I love my mom, but she’s made financially destructive choices her whole life and is still making them. I started loaning her money at 17. She put utility bills in my name as a kid. And she still wonders why no one’s rushing to take care of her.
That’s a consequence.
My dad, thankfully, is the opposite. He planned. He has a retirement, VA benefits coordinated. I’ll show up for him too, just not as a caretaker.
Planning ahead is an act of love. Not planning is just passing the burden to someone else.
My father is a racist homophobic Trump supporter. I haven’t talked to him in 10 years. 0 out of 10 care and -100 out of 10 do I feel any responsibility. Family is chosen and not guaranteed.
I did specifically say that there are exceptions, exactly like as you describe. 🙂
I also agree nothing is guaranteed, everything depends on context. But I think the bar for NOT helping your parents is fairly high. Your mileage may vary.
" BE THE KIND OF OLD PERSON your whole community wants to take care of! BUILD A LIBRARY--that sort of thing. GET WISE and use your wisdom to HELP. ( Yeah, yeah it's an easy platitude...but true to the Law of The Wild: BE USEFUL & LOVED!
Yes, everyone needs someone to look after but it has to be addressed systematically including healthcare, food, community outside of the children funding all of that. Additionally, disproportionately women are the caretakers. So much so that some are taking care of their kids and their parents at the same time.
I agree with this! Often it's also the expectation that gay kids do the caring (because they are less likely to have kids), which I also think is (mostly) unfair.
I can’t thank you enough for this! I (only child, 60s) took care of first one parent then the other for 20 years, all the while yearning to travel. During this time, friends would frequently act as if I had some sort of attachment disorder or codependency, saying it was choice I was making. True enough, but geez! If not me, who? I am free now and, as you can imagine, I am sometimes relieved and at other times miss them terribly. Particularly when I get an intimation of approaching old age or mortality and wonder how they handled such feelings. Your articulation is exactly right. Karma may pay off for you and I but, even if it doesn’t, I have no regrets. I am, at last, proud of myself instead of embarrassed. What I learned—what you and everyone else like us learned—puts me in a different class, the class of people who know what life holds at the far end of the arc.
Hey Peg: You're welcome! Yeah, I think you should be proud. Life sometimes -- often?-- involves sacrifices, and that's okay. It's the way the world IS, even if some folks want to deny it.
And, yes, I really really do think this process prepares us for our own endings in an important way.
Only child here, too. Did this for one parent who has passed, now making sure the other one is housed and well cared for. While it’s heavy and lonely sometimes, I don’t regret the person it’s made me into. Although, it has made it harder for me to relate to people who haven’t had to step into responsible caring roles - there’s a grief around that which can’t be crossed sometimes.
Brent- you never met my grandmother. I was her only living relative in this country. She had a world wide reputation as a category 5 narcissistic bitch who gaslit any family member who was still in her orbit. She tried to move in with me, starting by telling me at age 13 I should do that. I told her no. We were not on speaking terms for 5 months when Covid blessedly took her. She was in a continuing care facility about an hour from me. No- you DO NOT have to take care of your parents or grandparents. My mother lives in a continuing care place about 40 minutes from me and we are a part of each others' lives. No one should buy that "spicy take."
I come from an usual family that includes a step everything - literally- except a step child (or a biological child for that matter). There's a lot of "dark matter" throughout my family tree. Any suggestion of enduring an abusive relative usually triggers that reaction from me.
I love this post, Brent, and I salute you for caring for your parents in their later years.
I left home a week after graduating high school in 1987. I extended my European gap year into a four-decade-long adventure.
When I left the company I had worked at for over thirty years, my wife, whose parents had passed, and I decided to move to Canada to be closer to my aging parents.
I jokingly told my mom that we moved here so she could no longer tell people that I was the kid who left home and never returned.
My parents are now 92 and 96. My father has congestive heart failure that can’t be operated on, my mother has increasing dementia. Our regular visits for coffee, have become daily visits to assist them in their daily lives and our trips around town for shopping or dining out have been replaced by trips to the blood clinic, doctors appointments, the cardiac clinic, the emergency department, or the cardiac ward. With our support, they are able to continue to reside in an independent living facility. I visit them so often that when I arrived at the “retirement resort” yesterday, the receptionist gave me my own parking pass.
Yes, caring for the people that brought me into the world, raised me, and encouraged me to make my own way in life even though that meant I would live halfway around the world, takes time, costs money, and sometimes disrupts our date nights when medical emergencies occur.
But I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s not something we do to reciprocate everything my parents did for me. It’s something that we do simply because we love them, care about them, and want them to be as comfortable as possible in their final years.
It's difficult, frustrating, and annoying, and gratifying and satisfying, all at the same time. And -- as many of these comments point out -- it's obviously complicated by our feelings about how our parents raised us, and how they prepared for their older years.
Thanks for the comment! And wow, your parents must have done something right to have lived that long!
Like so many things, I think it depends on your definition of "burden." Financial? Emotional? Physical? All three? Only some? I don't want my child to think I'm a burden but on the other hand, I do want our relationship to be healthy enough to survive any deficits I have in any of those areas and be wiling to help me if I need it someday. Is that a burden or is that just what we owe each other as parent and child or even as humans?
Well put! I do think, as with most things in life, there is a big element of doing things we don't want to do. OTOH, life is sometimes hard, and it's okay to acknowledge and be okay with that. But when comes around goes around.
Caring for aging parents is such a broad statement. Does it mean you help out twice a week, or just go to doctor appointments, pop around with groceries once a week, or does it mean they are financially dependent on you, or they move into your home, or you have to provide 24/7 care? Does it mean they fight you at every turn and refuse your advice until disaster strikes?
It's all incredibly complicated.
My parents were permanently separated. I have two siblings, one of whom lives 30 min from me, while the other lives 1800 miles away in our hometown. My close by sibling moved our dad into sib's house (a one story)when it was clear our dad could no longer care for himself well enough. Luckily he didn't fight us (too) much on it (his dementia made him more gentle than he ever was pre dementia, thank goodness). Since I was available (read, had been stay at home mom), I took over daily visits of enrichment and oversight. I made daily lunches, breakfast kits, and even dinner sometimes. I took over all medical care and decisions. This equated to a nearly full time job, and for three years, this was my life.
It was my privilege to be able to provide loving care for my dad as his dementia worsened, but it was exhausting and overwhelming often. And let's face it, unlike raising kids, caring for parents always ends in grief. My kids were in college, so at least I wasn't juggling kids at home as many do.
I have friends whose parents need much more help and intervention, yet they stubbornly refuse to make choices to help make that possible. It'll come to a head and emergency decisions then will be made and it will be hard for everyone.
By contrast, my husband has an aunt with whom we are very close to. She never had children. She moved closer to us from her 55+ retirement community when she turned 70 after a serious medical emergency made her realize living 2000 miles away complicated caregiving. She moved into a retirement community with progressive care locally when she turned 76. She is entirely independent, has no health issues, takes no meds, drives, and has a far more active life than I do. We asked why did she want to move in now and she said she wanted to move in on her terms, to be settled and to create a new life in a new community before an emergency necessitated it. She has put in place all the necessary paperwork, trusts, power of attorney, etc NOW so we are not scrambling later. This kind of caregiving is so much easier.
There is so so much entangled with caring for parents. Do I think it's the right thing to do? Absolutely. But I understand the complexity of it and will withhold judgment for those who make different choice than I would make.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment! I agree it's complicated (as I think I pointed out in the piece)! And I also think the responsibility goes both ways -- parents and older folks absolutely have a responsibility to plan ahead too (but dementia complicates that).
In the end, I think life is usually very messy, but I also think it's okay to acknowledge that.
I know you get it. I wasn’t sharpshooting you- just adding another voice. We could ask 100 people about their caregiving experience and we’d get 100 different replies. It sounds like you were a good son and your parents were lucky to have you.
We are all going to die, and it may very well be complicated by a debilitating condition or disease before we inevitably pass. I think the last gift we can give our loved ones is to plan and make choices while we can for our care so that we don’t leave that to others too. I will do everything I can to organize my life to lessen the responsibility I hope my children will take. I hope I've raised them to embrace that responsibility as part of the circle of life and of families, and that they love me enough that when I’m most vulnerable, they will ensure my care.
I am in the thick of this right now, and also have about-to-launch young adult children. My parents planned very differently than my ex-wife's parents did, and our experiences have been informing our plans and our children's plans -- unsurprisingly.
My ex-MIL stayed in her own condo and refused to consider a retirement community. When she had a critical injury, my ex-wife moved across the country and into her condo to provide (with support) home hospice care. While it was a beautiful and special thing for them, we thought it would last a couple of months, and it lasted almost two years. That was incredibly hard on our then-teenage children. It was also hard on me. I love my kids, but I was used to shared placement and shared costs.
My parents moved into a retirement community. When my dad died in the middle of the night, all my mom had to do was pull a cord and someone was there within 5 minutes. While she still lives independently in the community, they offer graduated care. I spend time with her a few days/week (less now that she has a boyfriend), and that time is more balanced between big picture care -- doctor's visits, meeting with her financial advisors, etc -- and doing things we enjoy, like spending time with friends, family, doing things she enjoys, and making plans for her charitable donations.
I hope that I will be able to plan my last chapters more like my parents did. As a GenX-er instead of a Boomer, a lot of that will depend on luck. But barring a catastrophic circumstance, I don't want my children responsible for the level of daily care that my ex-wife was. The cost to her children and her career were irreparable. I want my children to care for me, but not at anything like the cost my ex-wife paid.
It's a fair point! I think the responsibility goes both ways: elderly parents have to do their part too! And in my case, there were issues with dementia (several times) which further complicates the picture.
In the end, life is messy. At the same time, humans have been dealing with the messiness forever, and I'm sure we always will be.
Yes, This! Planning is key. I don’t have a lot of sympathy for the elderly parents who refuse to accept professional help (even though they can afford it). I love my dad and ex-in laws. But I’m also working and raising kids. I expect them to use all the resources available to them, not just me. 🙂
The responsibility ABSOLUTELY goes both ways! But unfortunately, the situation is often complicated by dementia. The older folks are, the less good they are at making responsible choices, exactly like kids.
I think you are the only American I've met who has said this. It's the truth though. Society can't function with the concept of everyman for himself. There has to be a concept of collective good and it must start at the level of a family.
Yup. It obviously should go ALL ways (younger to older, older to younger, female to male, and male to female). Too often certain people are expected to most of the work, and that isn't fair and doesn't work. But being self-centered doesn't work either. It's a delicate balancing act.
I thought of something along these lines when the 11-year-old had to be rushed to hospital a couple of weeks ago (she's fine now 🤞🤞🤞 ). The whole time we were there, there were doctors and nurses and orderlies coming in and out of our room at all times, plus things like "the receptionist called, they're miles away in a different part of the hospital and want to see your insurance card right now".
And I kept thinking about how difficult and impossible such experiences would be without an able-bodied person able to take care of everything else, while the patient focused on healing ❤️
The hill I will die on is that I think folks who have an invested caregiver get TOTALLY different treatment. And I do think it's due to malice on the part of the staff -- it's simply human nature. Having someone emotionally invested overseeing things makes a HUGE difference.
The key point is made late in your piece—that your parents had the financial resources. It’s a lot easier to be gracious about caring for parents when they have made every effort to take care of themselves. My in-laws did not—they were very financially irresponsible—one of them got dementia, one of them lived to 90 with multiple medical issues, and OMG was it expensive for their kids. Talk about sandwich generation as well. It really complicated the relationship. Our goal, therefore, is to not have to rely *financially* on our kids. I know they will need to help me logistically and practically, because I have seen this in action. But they will never have to tamp down their resentment that I didn’t plan to pay for our own care. That’s not really about American individualism, IMO. It’s just the reality of aging in this country.
My parents were financially responsible, Michael's were really, really, REALLY not (but he helped them anyway). But yes, I agree the responsibility (financial and otherwise) goes both ways!
I actually do think America deals with older folks in a *completely* different way than in other countries, not integrating older folks into families or into the greater community nearly as much. And I think that *is* ultimately all about American individualism. (A lot of this has to do with a car-based society, but that was a choice we've made too.)
It's INSANE how the car-reliant hellscape has such far-reaching consequences. That one thing – how transportation is prioritized – has altered the very fabric / attitude / emotional make-up of American society
I understand this take. However… When my mom’s friend contacted me to say she was concerned about my mom, who was living back in my hometown of Phoenix, AZ, that she was starting to have paranoid delusions, I was living in Oslo, Norway with two young children, one of which is autistic.
My mom, after dealing with her own aunt’s decline some years earlier, and in helping to try and manage her affairs, had decided to set up her own affairs, especially as I was living so far away. She also, fortunately, had great healthcare through her old job at AT&T, as well as terrific friends who helped get my mom to the hospital to be diagnosed and treated for her paranoia.
I did travel to AZ to spend time with her and to help take care of touring, with my mom, assisted living facilities, meeting with the woman my mom had originally agreed would take over her financial affairs (I don’t know how I could’ve navigated through my mom’s insurance and doctor appointments living so far away so was so glad to have a lawyer working on my mom’s behalf).
It was a long journey, her decline and final passing. I talked to my mom all the time on the phone, at least until she had difficulties with that, did video chats, kept in pretty constant touch with her amazing friends who provided the role I wish I had been there to play, and corresponded with those paid to assist with everything including transferring her to a more hands-on facility when she needed that, getting her doctor’s appointments scheduled, selling her house and car, and all of that legwork one may never think about needing to be done for someone who can no longer care for themself.
The journey was a difficult one. One I personally travelled mostly on the other side of the globe. I felt terribly but I was in a position where my own children needed my presence — and I was at least pacified a bit by the fact that my mom had other caregivers that really did a fine job taking care of the dotted “i”s and crossed “t”s. I also was so indebted that her wonderful friends, one in particular, were so involved in her emotional support. And mine. She made it a bit easier to be a world away from my mom.
So, in response to your post, it’s not always the case that being the hands-on caregiver for a parent is feasible. And, I imagine, in other cases where a loving relationship wasn’t in the cards, it is not something children who are estranged from their parent would take on either. So I think I can’t agree with your statement other than as a generalization. There are way too many situations that come into play during a parent’s aging and decline to decree what should be done.
Such a nuanced topic in some ways and, as you state so well, so clear in others! I especially resonate with the differences in thought on this issue between the US and so many other countries. We definitely want to give our kids the gift of us having a plan and the financial resources for them not to have to shoulder that burden in our old age but we also definitely want them involved and helping!
This is an excellent topic to dive into and obviously so complicated. I can see that in the way the comments are written in response to this. I've come across this scenario so many times in the American hospital I work in. The older, frail, medically complex and struggling to live at home patient doesn't want to bother their children, who work and have kids of their own, but their son or daughter have offered to help them, whether financial or by offering housing, but they decline because they don't want to be a burden. American individualism is exceptional in this regard, but maybe to a detriment. As I live in Bangladesh now, I see how beneficial the system is of having multigenerational homes. It helps everyone involved, but the big caveat is how the interpersonal relationship is between parent and offspring. I sincerely hope I parent well enough to have that kind of relationship with my kids, but honestly, who knows, there's so many variables - money, culture, trauma, other relationships. Again, it's complicated and I appreciate your thoughts on it Brent.
Thanks! Yes there are pros and cons to the "tighter family/intergenerational" model, and I think much of the problem in America is due to the auto-based lifestyle, which makes greater "community" and extended family interaction much more difficult. But America has a real problem with it's elderly, and I confess I lean toward "life is hard and messy, but we all have obligations" solution (along with a better safety net!).
Amen, Brent! We should follow the example of many other cultures who respect and even revere elders as wise and worthy of care. My mom died suddenly at 65 thirty years ago, and my dad died at almost 88 within a week of an injury almost 9 years ago. Neither of them required their children to provide the kind of care that protracted and degenerative illness does. In that sense, my brothers and I were lucky, but I would trade that luck in a heartbeat had it meant I could have had them here longer.
This post post reminds me of a joke that I've made more than once about having a part in raising 10 kids before it's all said and done ...
I have greatly increased my chances that at least one of my kids will step up and take care of me if I need it when I'm older; and it only takes one. 😎
It’s a no for me.
I’m raising Sonia the same way I hoped my mom would see my move to France. When we moved, there was a little bit of “but what about me?” attached to it. And honestly? I don’t believe children are meant to put their entire lives on hold for their parents. I would never want Sonia to feel that pressure from me either.
Now, that doesn’t mean I believe in abandoning family or pretending people don’t matter as they age. I absolutely believe in love, care, support, and making sure the people you love are okay. I’ll do everything I reasonably can to make sure my mom is cared for and safe. But there’s a difference between caring for someone and making them your sole responsibility.
Parents have a responsibility to prepare for their own future too. Children are not retirement plans. They’re people with their own lives, dreams, families, careers, and paths.
I don’t see my mom as my responsibility in the sense that my entire life must revolve around her needs. I see her as someone I love deeply and would never leave struggling or alone if I could help it. There’s a big difference between obligation and love freely given.
Came here to say the same thing. I love my mom, but she’s made financially destructive choices her whole life and is still making them. I started loaning her money at 17. She put utility bills in my name as a kid. And she still wonders why no one’s rushing to take care of her.
That’s a consequence.
My dad, thankfully, is the opposite. He planned. He has a retirement, VA benefits coordinated. I’ll show up for him too, just not as a caretaker.
Planning ahead is an act of love. Not planning is just passing the burden to someone else.
My father is a racist homophobic Trump supporter. I haven’t talked to him in 10 years. 0 out of 10 care and -100 out of 10 do I feel any responsibility. Family is chosen and not guaranteed.
I did specifically say that there are exceptions, exactly like as you describe. 🙂
I also agree nothing is guaranteed, everything depends on context. But I think the bar for NOT helping your parents is fairly high. Your mileage may vary.
But thanks for weighing in!
" BE THE KIND OF OLD PERSON your whole community wants to take care of! BUILD A LIBRARY--that sort of thing. GET WISE and use your wisdom to HELP. ( Yeah, yeah it's an easy platitude...but true to the Law of The Wild: BE USEFUL & LOVED!
Good advice!
Yes, everyone needs someone to look after but it has to be addressed systematically including healthcare, food, community outside of the children funding all of that. Additionally, disproportionately women are the caretakers. So much so that some are taking care of their kids and their parents at the same time.
I agree with this! Often it's also the expectation that gay kids do the caring (because they are less likely to have kids), which I also think is (mostly) unfair.
I can’t thank you enough for this! I (only child, 60s) took care of first one parent then the other for 20 years, all the while yearning to travel. During this time, friends would frequently act as if I had some sort of attachment disorder or codependency, saying it was choice I was making. True enough, but geez! If not me, who? I am free now and, as you can imagine, I am sometimes relieved and at other times miss them terribly. Particularly when I get an intimation of approaching old age or mortality and wonder how they handled such feelings. Your articulation is exactly right. Karma may pay off for you and I but, even if it doesn’t, I have no regrets. I am, at last, proud of myself instead of embarrassed. What I learned—what you and everyone else like us learned—puts me in a different class, the class of people who know what life holds at the far end of the arc.
Hey Peg: You're welcome! Yeah, I think you should be proud. Life sometimes -- often?-- involves sacrifices, and that's okay. It's the way the world IS, even if some folks want to deny it.
And, yes, I really really do think this process prepares us for our own endings in an important way.
@Peg1311190 Bless your heart!
Only child here, too. Did this for one parent who has passed, now making sure the other one is housed and well cared for. While it’s heavy and lonely sometimes, I don’t regret the person it’s made me into. Although, it has made it harder for me to relate to people who haven’t had to step into responsible caring roles - there’s a grief around that which can’t be crossed sometimes.
Brent- you never met my grandmother. I was her only living relative in this country. She had a world wide reputation as a category 5 narcissistic bitch who gaslit any family member who was still in her orbit. She tried to move in with me, starting by telling me at age 13 I should do that. I told her no. We were not on speaking terms for 5 months when Covid blessedly took her. She was in a continuing care facility about an hour from me. No- you DO NOT have to take care of your parents or grandparents. My mother lives in a continuing care place about 40 minutes from me and we are a part of each others' lives. No one should buy that "spicy take."
To be clear, I did specifically say this doesn't apply to obnoxious or abusive folks like this! 🙂
But thanks for the feedback!
I come from an usual family that includes a step everything - literally- except a step child (or a biological child for that matter). There's a lot of "dark matter" throughout my family tree. Any suggestion of enduring an abusive relative usually triggers that reaction from me.
Ha! THIS! Thank you. :-)
I love this post, Brent, and I salute you for caring for your parents in their later years.
I left home a week after graduating high school in 1987. I extended my European gap year into a four-decade-long adventure.
When I left the company I had worked at for over thirty years, my wife, whose parents had passed, and I decided to move to Canada to be closer to my aging parents.
I jokingly told my mom that we moved here so she could no longer tell people that I was the kid who left home and never returned.
My parents are now 92 and 96. My father has congestive heart failure that can’t be operated on, my mother has increasing dementia. Our regular visits for coffee, have become daily visits to assist them in their daily lives and our trips around town for shopping or dining out have been replaced by trips to the blood clinic, doctors appointments, the cardiac clinic, the emergency department, or the cardiac ward. With our support, they are able to continue to reside in an independent living facility. I visit them so often that when I arrived at the “retirement resort” yesterday, the receptionist gave me my own parking pass.
Yes, caring for the people that brought me into the world, raised me, and encouraged me to make my own way in life even though that meant I would live halfway around the world, takes time, costs money, and sometimes disrupts our date nights when medical emergencies occur.
But I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s not something we do to reciprocate everything my parents did for me. It’s something that we do simply because we love them, care about them, and want them to be as comfortable as possible in their final years.
It's difficult, frustrating, and annoying, and gratifying and satisfying, all at the same time. And -- as many of these comments point out -- it's obviously complicated by our feelings about how our parents raised us, and how they prepared for their older years.
Thanks for the comment! And wow, your parents must have done something right to have lived that long!
Like so many things, I think it depends on your definition of "burden." Financial? Emotional? Physical? All three? Only some? I don't want my child to think I'm a burden but on the other hand, I do want our relationship to be healthy enough to survive any deficits I have in any of those areas and be wiling to help me if I need it someday. Is that a burden or is that just what we owe each other as parent and child or even as humans?
Well put! I do think, as with most things in life, there is a big element of doing things we don't want to do. OTOH, life is sometimes hard, and it's okay to acknowledge and be okay with that. But when comes around goes around.
Caring for aging parents is such a broad statement. Does it mean you help out twice a week, or just go to doctor appointments, pop around with groceries once a week, or does it mean they are financially dependent on you, or they move into your home, or you have to provide 24/7 care? Does it mean they fight you at every turn and refuse your advice until disaster strikes?
It's all incredibly complicated.
My parents were permanently separated. I have two siblings, one of whom lives 30 min from me, while the other lives 1800 miles away in our hometown. My close by sibling moved our dad into sib's house (a one story)when it was clear our dad could no longer care for himself well enough. Luckily he didn't fight us (too) much on it (his dementia made him more gentle than he ever was pre dementia, thank goodness). Since I was available (read, had been stay at home mom), I took over daily visits of enrichment and oversight. I made daily lunches, breakfast kits, and even dinner sometimes. I took over all medical care and decisions. This equated to a nearly full time job, and for three years, this was my life.
It was my privilege to be able to provide loving care for my dad as his dementia worsened, but it was exhausting and overwhelming often. And let's face it, unlike raising kids, caring for parents always ends in grief. My kids were in college, so at least I wasn't juggling kids at home as many do.
I have friends whose parents need much more help and intervention, yet they stubbornly refuse to make choices to help make that possible. It'll come to a head and emergency decisions then will be made and it will be hard for everyone.
By contrast, my husband has an aunt with whom we are very close to. She never had children. She moved closer to us from her 55+ retirement community when she turned 70 after a serious medical emergency made her realize living 2000 miles away complicated caregiving. She moved into a retirement community with progressive care locally when she turned 76. She is entirely independent, has no health issues, takes no meds, drives, and has a far more active life than I do. We asked why did she want to move in now and she said she wanted to move in on her terms, to be settled and to create a new life in a new community before an emergency necessitated it. She has put in place all the necessary paperwork, trusts, power of attorney, etc NOW so we are not scrambling later. This kind of caregiving is so much easier.
There is so so much entangled with caring for parents. Do I think it's the right thing to do? Absolutely. But I understand the complexity of it and will withhold judgment for those who make different choice than I would make.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment! I agree it's complicated (as I think I pointed out in the piece)! And I also think the responsibility goes both ways -- parents and older folks absolutely have a responsibility to plan ahead too (but dementia complicates that).
In the end, I think life is usually very messy, but I also think it's okay to acknowledge that.
I know you get it. I wasn’t sharpshooting you- just adding another voice. We could ask 100 people about their caregiving experience and we’d get 100 different replies. It sounds like you were a good son and your parents were lucky to have you.
We are all going to die, and it may very well be complicated by a debilitating condition or disease before we inevitably pass. I think the last gift we can give our loved ones is to plan and make choices while we can for our care so that we don’t leave that to others too. I will do everything I can to organize my life to lessen the responsibility I hope my children will take. I hope I've raised them to embrace that responsibility as part of the circle of life and of families, and that they love me enough that when I’m most vulnerable, they will ensure my care.
Well-put. And thanks!
Ideally, we all go through life trying hard to put others first, especially the ones we say we love.
I am in the thick of this right now, and also have about-to-launch young adult children. My parents planned very differently than my ex-wife's parents did, and our experiences have been informing our plans and our children's plans -- unsurprisingly.
My ex-MIL stayed in her own condo and refused to consider a retirement community. When she had a critical injury, my ex-wife moved across the country and into her condo to provide (with support) home hospice care. While it was a beautiful and special thing for them, we thought it would last a couple of months, and it lasted almost two years. That was incredibly hard on our then-teenage children. It was also hard on me. I love my kids, but I was used to shared placement and shared costs.
My parents moved into a retirement community. When my dad died in the middle of the night, all my mom had to do was pull a cord and someone was there within 5 minutes. While she still lives independently in the community, they offer graduated care. I spend time with her a few days/week (less now that she has a boyfriend), and that time is more balanced between big picture care -- doctor's visits, meeting with her financial advisors, etc -- and doing things we enjoy, like spending time with friends, family, doing things she enjoys, and making plans for her charitable donations.
I hope that I will be able to plan my last chapters more like my parents did. As a GenX-er instead of a Boomer, a lot of that will depend on luck. But barring a catastrophic circumstance, I don't want my children responsible for the level of daily care that my ex-wife was. The cost to her children and her career were irreparable. I want my children to care for me, but not at anything like the cost my ex-wife paid.
It's a fair point! I think the responsibility goes both ways: elderly parents have to do their part too! And in my case, there were issues with dementia (several times) which further complicates the picture.
In the end, life is messy. At the same time, humans have been dealing with the messiness forever, and I'm sure we always will be.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment!
Yes, This! Planning is key. I don’t have a lot of sympathy for the elderly parents who refuse to accept professional help (even though they can afford it). I love my dad and ex-in laws. But I’m also working and raising kids. I expect them to use all the resources available to them, not just me. 🙂
The responsibility ABSOLUTELY goes both ways! But unfortunately, the situation is often complicated by dementia. The older folks are, the less good they are at making responsible choices, exactly like kids.
I think you are the only American I've met who has said this. It's the truth though. Society can't function with the concept of everyman for himself. There has to be a concept of collective good and it must start at the level of a family.
Yup. It obviously should go ALL ways (younger to older, older to younger, female to male, and male to female). Too often certain people are expected to most of the work, and that isn't fair and doesn't work. But being self-centered doesn't work either. It's a delicate balancing act.
I agree!
I thought of something along these lines when the 11-year-old had to be rushed to hospital a couple of weeks ago (she's fine now 🤞🤞🤞 ). The whole time we were there, there were doctors and nurses and orderlies coming in and out of our room at all times, plus things like "the receptionist called, they're miles away in a different part of the hospital and want to see your insurance card right now".
And I kept thinking about how difficult and impossible such experiences would be without an able-bodied person able to take care of everything else, while the patient focused on healing ❤️
The hill I will die on is that I think folks who have an invested caregiver get TOTALLY different treatment. And I do think it's due to malice on the part of the staff -- it's simply human nature. Having someone emotionally invested overseeing things makes a HUGE difference.
The key point is made late in your piece—that your parents had the financial resources. It’s a lot easier to be gracious about caring for parents when they have made every effort to take care of themselves. My in-laws did not—they were very financially irresponsible—one of them got dementia, one of them lived to 90 with multiple medical issues, and OMG was it expensive for their kids. Talk about sandwich generation as well. It really complicated the relationship. Our goal, therefore, is to not have to rely *financially* on our kids. I know they will need to help me logistically and practically, because I have seen this in action. But they will never have to tamp down their resentment that I didn’t plan to pay for our own care. That’s not really about American individualism, IMO. It’s just the reality of aging in this country.
My parents were financially responsible, Michael's were really, really, REALLY not (but he helped them anyway). But yes, I agree the responsibility (financial and otherwise) goes both ways!
I actually do think America deals with older folks in a *completely* different way than in other countries, not integrating older folks into families or into the greater community nearly as much. And I think that *is* ultimately all about American individualism. (A lot of this has to do with a car-based society, but that was a choice we've made too.)
But I appreciate your comment!
It's INSANE how the car-reliant hellscape has such far-reaching consequences. That one thing – how transportation is prioritized – has altered the very fabric / attitude / emotional make-up of American society
I understand this take. However… When my mom’s friend contacted me to say she was concerned about my mom, who was living back in my hometown of Phoenix, AZ, that she was starting to have paranoid delusions, I was living in Oslo, Norway with two young children, one of which is autistic.
My mom, after dealing with her own aunt’s decline some years earlier, and in helping to try and manage her affairs, had decided to set up her own affairs, especially as I was living so far away. She also, fortunately, had great healthcare through her old job at AT&T, as well as terrific friends who helped get my mom to the hospital to be diagnosed and treated for her paranoia.
I did travel to AZ to spend time with her and to help take care of touring, with my mom, assisted living facilities, meeting with the woman my mom had originally agreed would take over her financial affairs (I don’t know how I could’ve navigated through my mom’s insurance and doctor appointments living so far away so was so glad to have a lawyer working on my mom’s behalf).
It was a long journey, her decline and final passing. I talked to my mom all the time on the phone, at least until she had difficulties with that, did video chats, kept in pretty constant touch with her amazing friends who provided the role I wish I had been there to play, and corresponded with those paid to assist with everything including transferring her to a more hands-on facility when she needed that, getting her doctor’s appointments scheduled, selling her house and car, and all of that legwork one may never think about needing to be done for someone who can no longer care for themself.
The journey was a difficult one. One I personally travelled mostly on the other side of the globe. I felt terribly but I was in a position where my own children needed my presence — and I was at least pacified a bit by the fact that my mom had other caregivers that really did a fine job taking care of the dotted “i”s and crossed “t”s. I also was so indebted that her wonderful friends, one in particular, were so involved in her emotional support. And mine. She made it a bit easier to be a world away from my mom.
So, in response to your post, it’s not always the case that being the hands-on caregiver for a parent is feasible. And, I imagine, in other cases where a loving relationship wasn’t in the cards, it is not something children who are estranged from their parent would take on either. So I think I can’t agree with your statement other than as a generalization. There are way too many situations that come into play during a parent’s aging and decline to decree what should be done.
I'm so glad your mother had a strong support network. I really do think that's key! Happy it worked out so well. 🙂
Thanks for sharing your story!
Such a nuanced topic in some ways and, as you state so well, so clear in others! I especially resonate with the differences in thought on this issue between the US and so many other countries. We definitely want to give our kids the gift of us having a plan and the financial resources for them not to have to shoulder that burden in our old age but we also definitely want them involved and helping!
Thanks, Matt. Yeah, that's the perfect balance, isn't it? Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans but you still make those plans! 🤣
This is an excellent topic to dive into and obviously so complicated. I can see that in the way the comments are written in response to this. I've come across this scenario so many times in the American hospital I work in. The older, frail, medically complex and struggling to live at home patient doesn't want to bother their children, who work and have kids of their own, but their son or daughter have offered to help them, whether financial or by offering housing, but they decline because they don't want to be a burden. American individualism is exceptional in this regard, but maybe to a detriment. As I live in Bangladesh now, I see how beneficial the system is of having multigenerational homes. It helps everyone involved, but the big caveat is how the interpersonal relationship is between parent and offspring. I sincerely hope I parent well enough to have that kind of relationship with my kids, but honestly, who knows, there's so many variables - money, culture, trauma, other relationships. Again, it's complicated and I appreciate your thoughts on it Brent.
Thanks! Yes there are pros and cons to the "tighter family/intergenerational" model, and I think much of the problem in America is due to the auto-based lifestyle, which makes greater "community" and extended family interaction much more difficult. But America has a real problem with it's elderly, and I confess I lean toward "life is hard and messy, but we all have obligations" solution (along with a better safety net!).
Amen, Brent! We should follow the example of many other cultures who respect and even revere elders as wise and worthy of care. My mom died suddenly at 65 thirty years ago, and my dad died at almost 88 within a week of an injury almost 9 years ago. Neither of them required their children to provide the kind of care that protracted and degenerative illness does. In that sense, my brothers and I were lucky, but I would trade that luck in a heartbeat had it meant I could have had them here longer.
Thank you! And it sounds you were lucky in the parents you had (and they were lucky too!)
This post post reminds me of a joke that I've made more than once about having a part in raising 10 kids before it's all said and done ...
I have greatly increased my chances that at least one of my kids will step up and take care of me if I need it when I'm older; and it only takes one. 😎
LOL Yes, go with the odds! (Plus, don't be a jerk, I guess. LOL)