Yes, Kids *Absolutely* Have a Responsibility to Take Care of Their Aging Parents!
How's this for a spicy take?
For the audio version of this article, read by the author, go here.
A lot of my American friends now have kids who are adults themselves, and one of these empty-nesters recently said to me, “I don’t expect my kids to take care of me when I’m older. I don’t want to be a burden!”
Not long after, another friend with kids said something similar, even using the same phrase: “I don’t want to be a burden.”
Since then, virtually every one of my American friends who has kids has said the same thing using that exact phrase.
On one hand, I think this is a noble sentiment. It’s good to consider the impact you’re having on those around you.
And I’m especially impressed by my friends who are taking steps to make themselves as healthy and financially independent as possible, reducing the likelihood of actually being a burden on their kids.
Also, many of my friends are reacting to the fact that taking care of their own aging parents was often really hard. I get that.
On the other hand, I think kids ABSOLUTELY HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE CARE OF THEIR AGING PARENTS!
How’s that for a spicy take?
You might think this is just something they’re saying — like when someone at a dinner party is having chest pains, and they say, “Don’t mind me — I don’t want to spoil your party.”
And you, of course, don’t say, “Yes, yes, I’m sure you’ll be fine. Would anyone like more Lobster Thermidor? And Gwyneth, may I top up your wine?”
Instead, you say to your friend, “Are you okay?” Then you turn to the closest other guest and say, “Timothée, call 9-1-1!”
Both sides are trying to be considerate, but one side is immediately overruled because they’re vulnerable and in need.
Likewise, no one says about kids: “That three-year-old with a respiratory infection really shouldn’t be so much of a burden on her parents!”
No, kids are expected to be burdens. They’re kids!
Well, guess what? At some point, the trajectory of life reverses itself, and old people need help too. The older they get, the more of a “burden” they become.
The problem is, my friends are saying, “I don’t want to be a burden!” so often and so forcefully that they’re acting like they really don’t want their kids to take care of them.
It’s like they’re trying to create a new ethos in which kids don’t have any real responsibility in this area.
I think this is a biiiiiig mistake.
Elderly folks absolutely need someone younger looking out for them. Having taken care of multiple aging parents, I can say there’s simply no substitute for an emotionally invested caregiver.
It doesn’t have to be an old person’s own kid doing the caring, but it has to be someone. But if not the kid, then who? I mean, we all agree it’s a burden, right?
This take I keep hearing from my friends also strikes me as so quintessentially American: that the most important thing in life is the individual’s wants and needs, with much less concern for the big picture.
If they did look at the big picture, they’d see that we’re all better off when we consider everyone’s wants and needs together.
In fact, in these conversations I’ve had with my friends who have kids, some have also admitted, “I don’t think my kids will take care of me. Maybe I did too good a job teaching them to be independent.”
Yes, that’s the problem: you were too good a parent.
After traveling the world for nine years, I’ve seen that it isn’t like this in most other cultures. One Italian friend made us smile — and also drove us a little crazy — because he was constantly checking in on his elderly parents.
Look, I have no dog in this fight. I don’t have kids, and while my parents are both dead now, I did help take care of them, including my mom, who had early-onset Alzheimer’s disease.
Hopefully, karma will reward me, and when I’m older, there’ll be someone younger to look out for me too. But who knows?
I do know helping to care for my parents was often frustrating and exhausting — and also sometimes profound and incredible.
It was sometimes a burden. But it was also sometimes a great privilege.
I think I’d be less of a person if I hadn’t experienced it — and frankly, much less prepared for my own death when my time comes.
Of course, there are caveats and exceptions to a kid’s responsibility to their parents: serious abuse, total parental irresponsibility, conflicting life-obligations — things like that.
And I was lucky in that my parents had the resources to provide for a lot of their own care.
But in general, when I was helping my parents, it seemed very clear that this is the way things have always worked.
It’s also the way I think they always should work.
Brent Hartinger is a screenwriter and author. Check out my new newsletter about my books and movies at www.BrentHartinger.com. And order my latest book below.
Brent- you never met my grandmother. I was her only living relative in this country. She had a world wide reputation as a category 5 narcissistic bitch who gaslit any family member who was still in her orbit. She tried to move in with me, starting by telling me at age 13 I should do that. I told her no. We were not on speaking terms for 5 months when Covid blessedly took her. She was in a continuing care facility about an hour from me. No- you DO NOT have to take care of your parents or grandparents. My mother lives in a continuing care place about 40 minutes from me and we are a part of each others' lives. No one should buy that "spicy take."
It’s a no for me.
I’m raising Sonia the same way I hoped my mom would see my move to France. When we moved, there was a little bit of “but what about me?” attached to it. And honestly? I don’t believe children are meant to put their entire lives on hold for their parents. I would never want Sonia to feel that pressure from me either.
Now, that doesn’t mean I believe in abandoning family or pretending people don’t matter as they age. I absolutely believe in love, care, support, and making sure the people you love are okay. I’ll do everything I reasonably can to make sure my mom is cared for and safe. But there’s a difference between caring for someone and making them your sole responsibility.
Parents have a responsibility to prepare for their own future too. Children are not retirement plans. They’re people with their own lives, dreams, families, careers, and paths.
I don’t see my mom as my responsibility in the sense that my entire life must revolve around her needs. I see her as someone I love deeply and would never leave struggling or alone if I could help it. There’s a big difference between obligation and love freely given.