Mar 20, 2023Liked by Brent Hartinger, Michael Jensen
I am a firm believer in “unlikely friendships.” Years ago I was working out with a personal trainer and griping to him about how expensive his sessions were. He said “well I used to train that guy over there and he knows all of the same workouts you do, so maybe you could train together?” I looked at the man he was pointing towards and replied “Sad guy?” My trainer looked confused and I explained that I had made up nicknames for most of the regulars at the gym. I had decided the handsome man who spent a lot of time on his phone between sets wasn’t very happy with his life, hence the moniker “sad guy.” But after meeting the man I realized he was actually warm, and smart and funny. The assumptions I made simply from his demeanor were not even remotely accurate. He reminds me of this all the time...as we’ve now been together and married for almost 15 years.
Mar 20, 2023Liked by Brent Hartinger, Michael Jensen
One of the saddest things about right now in the States is the strange discouragement we get in the media from connecting to people.. The language of "randos", "people pleasers" and "needy". The avoidance of human contact that didn't start with COVID. Thanks for bucking the trend, Brent. It's needed.
Being a Lowland Scot, I never shut up, so I keep talking to people. I retreat if I feel they're a bit overwhelmed (although shy people and I do typically get along), or if they are snotty. in which case, those aren't people I want to engage anyway. :) Meanwhile, you DID just do something about it. It matters so much that you did.
Well said, Annette. Just yesterday I sold some stuff on Marketplace and the guy rolls up in a truck sporting a bunch of stickers, one of which said "My Personal Handheld Wireless Device" with a picture of a handgun. (That was the friendly sticker.)
Do I want to be friends with that guy? Hell no. Were he and his wife polite as can be and good storytellers? Yup. Good to shut off the internet echo chamber and Fox News sometimes and talk to some randos!
Hahaha. Hilarious. Yeah, it is very hard not to stereotype at times, isn't it? The worst part is that sometimes your stereotypes are confirmed. But onward and upward, I guess...
Mar 20, 2023Liked by Brent Hartinger, Michael Jensen
Thanks, Dakota! A young college kid I know went hiking in the West, and didn't prepare: As dusk approached, he was out of water, and not doing too well, when a truck pulled up full of lads in "Let's Go Brandon" and Trump shirts. They asked him if he needed help. He resisted, but they politely insisted, and gave him a lift to his camp. As I told him, there's a moral in that.
Mar 20, 2023Liked by Brent Hartinger, Michael Jensen
100%. A hunter of that type gave me a gallon of water on a bikepacking trip last fall and couldn't have been nicer. Certainly different experience depending who you are (me: white guy), but in-person beats the heck out of siloed people yelling at each other online any day!
Mar 20, 2023Liked by Brent Hartinger, Michael Jensen
Just beautiful, Bent! You know, I was initially pumped to read your travel writing, but it's pieces like these that shine even brighter. I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that. Thanks for putting thoughts like this into the world!
For me, this makes me think of Ben, who I played Dig Dug with for a year in 2nd grade, but never learned anything about him and lost touch when he moved. Or Aaron, a big farm kid with a freight train fastball that I played baseball with up in N. Idaho. I suspect he and I might not agree on politics these days, but I'm sure he's the same incredibly nice guy at heart.
Aw, thank you, this is one of the nicest comments we've ever received. We're never sure what's gonna work!
What scares me about politics these days is that people receive entirely different information streams. It's becoming different realities! I used to think that was only on the right, but increasingly, I see it on the left too. And I don't know how we connect when technology is tearing us all apart.
I suspect you learned very valuable skills doing that. My mother was very social, and I think I absorbed her ability to make friends, despite my being an introvert. (Although I think it's a misnomer that introverts can't be social. It's a different kind of social.)
Ha! Thanks, Paul! I can't believe it's been that long either. I have my issues with social media, but yeah, it's been nice to stay in touch all these days. Wouldn't have happened without Facebook. One of these days, we gotta do it in person!
Maybe true, and it certainly helps continuing contact.
But I also well remember you reaching out to me the summer of 1987, when I was working at the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. I don’t recall how you found me, but I presume you saw a byline.
You were much changed from the man I knew at school (and urged to audition for the spring misical!) It was so great to see you continuing to come into your own as a young man.
The first out persons of my age were theater folk from I met in a regional summer stock production between our junior and senior years.
They were both 1) amazingly talented and 2) apparently fearless, given their “fuck you, we’re here and we’re queer” brashness … I admired them so much and they opened my eyes/spirit to the idea of: Whose business is it of mine/ours who anybody loves? It’s a basic human right.
The homophobia and hatred never made any sense to me after that.
And that’s why your story is so powerful to me … the way you seemed to “simply“ be yourself, and get on with your life.
It was a journey. But honestly, for all my criticisms of Catholicism, I got a pretty good education and maybe even learned from character n stuff. I'm not religious anymore, but there is *some* ancient wisdom (along with a lot of f**ked up crap). Man, it's fascinating to seen the world change over the course of our lifetimes.
Remind me who you played in Camelot. Was it one of the three knights? (I was Sir Sagramore) Or did you have a more substantial role? I remember you having actual lines, unlike me, who had ONE line (and I was fine with that). I also remember you can actually sing.
I was Pellinore, and my oldfamily mutt, Tinkerbell, played my hunting hound Horrid. I had some lines and even a short solo …
I remember what a huge leap of faith auditioning was, and the (justifiable) surprised pride you took in being cast. I was so proud you did that - those shows were everything to me in school, and I’m so happy you got to experience it too.
Ah yes! I remember the solo. I was proud I auditioned, but I don't think I was too surprised when I realized ALL the men got roles (but not all the women, including my friend Tina). Gender imbalance! LOL
This was, by far, my favorite column by you. My Mother's best advice she ever gave me (and she gave me a lot, some solicited, and most non-solicited) was that, if you found one true friend in your life, you would be truly blessed. Today, I'm blessed twice over with 2 wonderful friends whom I have had friendships for years. One happens to be a former student of mine who went on to become a teacher just like me, and is now retired?! The other was a fellow colleague of mine when we both taught at the same high school. Sine then, she's made 4 professional changes and I've made 2, but we still get together and take up a table and a wait staffer's time for nearly 3 hours at our favorite restaurant when we get together. Recently, I've been thinking about all of the people I've considered to be friends in the past and who are no longer involved or part of my life and I'm not part of theirs. Until recently, I always thought my Mom's advice was pretty pessimistic for someone as friendly as me. Lately, however, her advice all those years ago has really been ringing true. Take care.
Ha! "Most non-solicited." That IS good advice. I too have let people slip away, and sometimes that's okay. In the end, it's quality not quantity, isn't it? I'm so pleased you have those two good friends.
Mar 20, 2023Liked by Brent Hartinger, Michael Jensen
Such a beautiful post, Brent - thank you. You've got me thinking about some special people. I find it hard to make connections, so the ones I have really matter.
Mar 22, 2023Liked by Brent Hartinger, Michael Jensen
This may be a bit tangential, or belong entirely to the great blog you recently did about the advances in tech. If it doesn't fit, just scroll on by.
I don't recall any particularly unlikely friendships, other than those made whilst in an interest group (like a quilt guild), but I have made some very unlikely reconnects with friends from my distant past via Facebook. I've always tended to leave friendships behind rather cavalierly-gone from every day life equals gone from my mind pretty much entirely. If I had to write a letter, or make a long distance phone call, it just wasn't going to happen. After I moved on from one job to the next, I just didn't make much effort to "stay in touch". And you wonder why I was never invited to high school reunions.......
Enter social media. I have reconnected with first one and then many former classmates, workmates, and from a genealogy site, a sister I'd never met. It's free and easy to chat briefly a few times a week and exchange small events in our lives-and it doesn't require a lot of time or emotional investment, but it's good to know they are "out there" ready to provide an encouragement or a laugh to one another. Actually, in once case we have helped each other (long distance) through health issues and now enjoy a possibly more substantial and enduring friendship than we had 50+ years ago. Superficial? Perhaps. A sad statement on the way the world is depending on social media? I don't think so. It may actually be an unlikely way to foster old friendships and turn them into something much more substantial.
Michael and I talk about this a lot. I'm very anti-online-anything, anti-social media, and he sticks up for it. And in the end, he's convinced me he's right (in this ONE aspect of social media!). I've connected with old friends too, and it's delightful.
I think it's also made it easier to stay in contact with long-term friends, but I've always been pretty good at that.
This is a beautiful piece. I've had some random friendships over the years that are so bizarre I'm often questioned from my core sphere, how in the world....?
Examples are a couple of male Las Vegas show dancers I met in a hot tub, a cocaine dealer over waiting for an oil change, a glamorous (once society) Indy housewife who is hiding in Alabama met sitting in an airport over a tube of mascara, an underground multi-million dollar bookmaker who works a blah 9-5 job as a cover, and a doctor who made house calls that I later found out was convicted of killing several people from performing botched surgeries and prescribing painkillers overdosing patients (the latter is no longer my friend). I had nothing in common with any of the above except sharing meals, gambling in a casino, neighbors, or chance meeting. Each one enriched my life with shared wisdom, a laugh, or experience never forgotten. Most are long gone now but the memories live on. At the end of the day the tapestry of people we share our lives with is so important in growing and understanding our own place in this world, it is a pity if we're closed off and not open to meeting and giving everyone (discretion is advised as I did learn in one or two times) a chance to share in our journey. Thank you for sharing your friends with us.
Love it! Those all sounds stories just waiting to be told!
Sometimes people who have made big mistakes are the most interesting. But sometimes they're also still assholes! Must be judged on a case-by-case basis. LOL
Thanks for chiming in and following along. Really appreciate it!
I'm so sorry for these losses. I often think about the lovely people I've struck up conversations with in public and always wish I had given them my contact info in case they want to stay in touch, too. But it seems rare that people trust that option nowadays.
I am a firm believer in “unlikely friendships.” Years ago I was working out with a personal trainer and griping to him about how expensive his sessions were. He said “well I used to train that guy over there and he knows all of the same workouts you do, so maybe you could train together?” I looked at the man he was pointing towards and replied “Sad guy?” My trainer looked confused and I explained that I had made up nicknames for most of the regulars at the gym. I had decided the handsome man who spent a lot of time on his phone between sets wasn’t very happy with his life, hence the moniker “sad guy.” But after meeting the man I realized he was actually warm, and smart and funny. The assumptions I made simply from his demeanor were not even remotely accurate. He reminds me of this all the time...as we’ve now been together and married for almost 15 years.
Oh that's wonderful! Love the twist at the end!
One of the saddest things about right now in the States is the strange discouragement we get in the media from connecting to people.. The language of "randos", "people pleasers" and "needy". The avoidance of human contact that didn't start with COVID. Thanks for bucking the trend, Brent. It's needed.
Thank you. And yes, America is becoming increasingly disconnected. I don't know what to do about it...
Being a Lowland Scot, I never shut up, so I keep talking to people. I retreat if I feel they're a bit overwhelmed (although shy people and I do typically get along), or if they are snotty. in which case, those aren't people I want to engage anyway. :) Meanwhile, you DID just do something about it. It matters so much that you did.
Aw, thank you.
Well said, Annette. Just yesterday I sold some stuff on Marketplace and the guy rolls up in a truck sporting a bunch of stickers, one of which said "My Personal Handheld Wireless Device" with a picture of a handgun. (That was the friendly sticker.)
Do I want to be friends with that guy? Hell no. Were he and his wife polite as can be and good storytellers? Yup. Good to shut off the internet echo chamber and Fox News sometimes and talk to some randos!
Hahaha. Hilarious. Yeah, it is very hard not to stereotype at times, isn't it? The worst part is that sometimes your stereotypes are confirmed. But onward and upward, I guess...
Thanks, Dakota! A young college kid I know went hiking in the West, and didn't prepare: As dusk approached, he was out of water, and not doing too well, when a truck pulled up full of lads in "Let's Go Brandon" and Trump shirts. They asked him if he needed help. He resisted, but they politely insisted, and gave him a lift to his camp. As I told him, there's a moral in that.
100%. A hunter of that type gave me a gallon of water on a bikepacking trip last fall and couldn't have been nicer. Certainly different experience depending who you are (me: white guy), but in-person beats the heck out of siloed people yelling at each other online any day!
Just beautiful, Bent! You know, I was initially pumped to read your travel writing, but it's pieces like these that shine even brighter. I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that. Thanks for putting thoughts like this into the world!
For me, this makes me think of Ben, who I played Dig Dug with for a year in 2nd grade, but never learned anything about him and lost touch when he moved. Or Aaron, a big farm kid with a freight train fastball that I played baseball with up in N. Idaho. I suspect he and I might not agree on politics these days, but I'm sure he's the same incredibly nice guy at heart.
Aw, thank you, this is one of the nicest comments we've ever received. We're never sure what's gonna work!
What scares me about politics these days is that people receive entirely different information streams. It's becoming different realities! I used to think that was only on the right, but increasingly, I see it on the left too. And I don't know how we connect when technology is tearing us all apart.
Lovely piece, Brent. As an Army brat, it was required to make friends quickly. And many, from all 12 schools, are still friends today.
I suspect you learned very valuable skills doing that. My mother was very social, and I think I absorbed her ability to make friends, despite my being an introvert. (Although I think it's a misnomer that introverts can't be social. It's a different kind of social.)
What a beautiful, joyful, and poignant work, Brent. I’m glad to have known you, and somehow stayed connected for >40 years.
Ha! Thanks, Paul! I can't believe it's been that long either. I have my issues with social media, but yeah, it's been nice to stay in touch all these days. Wouldn't have happened without Facebook. One of these days, we gotta do it in person!
Maybe true, and it certainly helps continuing contact.
But I also well remember you reaching out to me the summer of 1987, when I was working at the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. I don’t recall how you found me, but I presume you saw a byline.
You were much changed from the man I knew at school (and urged to audition for the spring misical!) It was so great to see you continuing to come into your own as a young man.
Oh! Interesting. Yes, I vaguely recall that meeting. I remember the musical well (and looking back, I'm surprised I did something like that).
Isn't it strange to have lived long enough now that we've seen great swings in the world around us -- and also in ourselves? Just incredible.
RE: World changes.
The first out persons of my age were theater folk from I met in a regional summer stock production between our junior and senior years.
They were both 1) amazingly talented and 2) apparently fearless, given their “fuck you, we’re here and we’re queer” brashness … I admired them so much and they opened my eyes/spirit to the idea of: Whose business is it of mine/ours who anybody loves? It’s a basic human right.
The homophobia and hatred never made any sense to me after that.
And that’s why your story is so powerful to me … the way you seemed to “simply“ be yourself, and get on with your life.
It was a journey. But honestly, for all my criticisms of Catholicism, I got a pretty good education and maybe even learned from character n stuff. I'm not religious anymore, but there is *some* ancient wisdom (along with a lot of f**ked up crap). Man, it's fascinating to seen the world change over the course of our lifetimes.
Do you still do theater?
Remind me who you played in Camelot. Was it one of the three knights? (I was Sir Sagramore) Or did you have a more substantial role? I remember you having actual lines, unlike me, who had ONE line (and I was fine with that). I also remember you can actually sing.
I was Pellinore, and my oldfamily mutt, Tinkerbell, played my hunting hound Horrid. I had some lines and even a short solo …
I remember what a huge leap of faith auditioning was, and the (justifiable) surprised pride you took in being cast. I was so proud you did that - those shows were everything to me in school, and I’m so happy you got to experience it too.
Ah yes! I remember the solo. I was proud I auditioned, but I don't think I was too surprised when I realized ALL the men got roles (but not all the women, including my friend Tina). Gender imbalance! LOL
What a wonderful piece! Thanks, Brent. I love your writing and your books. You've done your three unlikely friends proud.
Oh, thank you, very kind of you to say. :-)
Lovely sentiment and piece, Brent. I hope someday we will be unlikely friends :-)
Oh so sweet of you to say! Me too!
This was a beautiful article! I was moved to tears in several places and it has prompted me to renew a friendship from long ago. Thanks!
I'm so glad!
This warmed my little heart.
Thank you!
Dear Brent:
This was, by far, my favorite column by you. My Mother's best advice she ever gave me (and she gave me a lot, some solicited, and most non-solicited) was that, if you found one true friend in your life, you would be truly blessed. Today, I'm blessed twice over with 2 wonderful friends whom I have had friendships for years. One happens to be a former student of mine who went on to become a teacher just like me, and is now retired?! The other was a fellow colleague of mine when we both taught at the same high school. Sine then, she's made 4 professional changes and I've made 2, but we still get together and take up a table and a wait staffer's time for nearly 3 hours at our favorite restaurant when we get together. Recently, I've been thinking about all of the people I've considered to be friends in the past and who are no longer involved or part of my life and I'm not part of theirs. Until recently, I always thought my Mom's advice was pretty pessimistic for someone as friendly as me. Lately, however, her advice all those years ago has really been ringing true. Take care.
Ha! "Most non-solicited." That IS good advice. I too have let people slip away, and sometimes that's okay. In the end, it's quality not quantity, isn't it? I'm so pleased you have those two good friends.
Such a beautiful post, Brent - thank you. You've got me thinking about some special people. I find it hard to make connections, so the ones I have really matter.
I'm so glad. So important to treasure them.
Thank you, Brent, for putting these lessons down on paper for us, for me. They’ve really given me to pause to think 🤍
Because I read your story this evening, I will be contacting an old friend tomorrow morning 😊
Thank you for your positive impact!
Sincerely, Jess
What a lovely thing to do!
Sweet! Thanks for telling me!
This may be a bit tangential, or belong entirely to the great blog you recently did about the advances in tech. If it doesn't fit, just scroll on by.
I don't recall any particularly unlikely friendships, other than those made whilst in an interest group (like a quilt guild), but I have made some very unlikely reconnects with friends from my distant past via Facebook. I've always tended to leave friendships behind rather cavalierly-gone from every day life equals gone from my mind pretty much entirely. If I had to write a letter, or make a long distance phone call, it just wasn't going to happen. After I moved on from one job to the next, I just didn't make much effort to "stay in touch". And you wonder why I was never invited to high school reunions.......
Enter social media. I have reconnected with first one and then many former classmates, workmates, and from a genealogy site, a sister I'd never met. It's free and easy to chat briefly a few times a week and exchange small events in our lives-and it doesn't require a lot of time or emotional investment, but it's good to know they are "out there" ready to provide an encouragement or a laugh to one another. Actually, in once case we have helped each other (long distance) through health issues and now enjoy a possibly more substantial and enduring friendship than we had 50+ years ago. Superficial? Perhaps. A sad statement on the way the world is depending on social media? I don't think so. It may actually be an unlikely way to foster old friendships and turn them into something much more substantial.
Michael and I talk about this a lot. I'm very anti-online-anything, anti-social media, and he sticks up for it. And in the end, he's convinced me he's right (in this ONE aspect of social media!). I've connected with old friends too, and it's delightful.
I think it's also made it easier to stay in contact with long-term friends, but I've always been pretty good at that.
I don't think it is sad or superficial. I think any connection is a good connection.
This is a beautiful piece. I've had some random friendships over the years that are so bizarre I'm often questioned from my core sphere, how in the world....?
Examples are a couple of male Las Vegas show dancers I met in a hot tub, a cocaine dealer over waiting for an oil change, a glamorous (once society) Indy housewife who is hiding in Alabama met sitting in an airport over a tube of mascara, an underground multi-million dollar bookmaker who works a blah 9-5 job as a cover, and a doctor who made house calls that I later found out was convicted of killing several people from performing botched surgeries and prescribing painkillers overdosing patients (the latter is no longer my friend). I had nothing in common with any of the above except sharing meals, gambling in a casino, neighbors, or chance meeting. Each one enriched my life with shared wisdom, a laugh, or experience never forgotten. Most are long gone now but the memories live on. At the end of the day the tapestry of people we share our lives with is so important in growing and understanding our own place in this world, it is a pity if we're closed off and not open to meeting and giving everyone (discretion is advised as I did learn in one or two times) a chance to share in our journey. Thank you for sharing your friends with us.
Why thank you!
Love it! Those all sounds stories just waiting to be told!
Sometimes people who have made big mistakes are the most interesting. But sometimes they're also still assholes! Must be judged on a case-by-case basis. LOL
Thanks for chiming in and following along. Really appreciate it!
Such a heart-warming read, and so true - thank you for the reminders 😊
Thank you Tracey. :-)
I'm so sorry for these losses. I often think about the lovely people I've struck up conversations with in public and always wish I had given them my contact info in case they want to stay in touch, too. But it seems rare that people trust that option nowadays.
Thank you, sweet fo you to say. ❤️