Here’s my answer: No, he does not need to forgive his parents now or ever. My question is why is it that the LGBTQ family member is always expected to forgive in these situations, yet the conservative, often religious members of the family never need to do anything? They can continue with their epithets, crude jokes, hurtful comments, and overall disrespect for us and we should say or do nothing. However, if we dare to bring up something important in our lives, we’re accused of “throwing it in their faces” or “ramming it down their throats.” Yes, this has happened to me even after repeated attempts over forty plus years to reach out. But not just me, also my husband and many of our friends. So the author may be doing himself a favor and freeing up decades of unnecessary family drama so he can live his life guilt-free.
I am 60 years old and there is a peace and a freedom in not tolerating my parents (and a couple of siblings) who continually bait and mock the non-MAGA family members (like me & mine), and who say horrible things about my queer child and myself. I don’t live a life of anger & resentment. Quite the opposite! I pity their miserable lives, their narrow & mean-spirited world view, and the fact that they’ll never get to know what a cool adult my kid has grown into. My child THANKS me for raising them far away from my hateful family. There is so much peace in not being around to watch them blatantly favor the grandkids who pretend to be what their grandparents expect while my child is ignored, shunned, judged. It’s not about forgiveness. It’s about peace. I quit crying about my parents disapproval of my rejection of their religious beliefs, my queerness, my kids queerness. Now I seek joy with my chosen family. And the peace is glorious!
I agree that if the parents make no movement at all, a child is absolutely within their rights to leave the situation. (But I don't think that the point I'm making in the piece, btw.)
Full support for you, Jim - I hope you do not pay much attention to Dallas' comment, he seems to be struggling with the "Do not judge, or you too will be judged" part of his own beliefs 🤷🏻♀️
Milene( great name btw love it)You don't know me so don't make character assessments on something you have no idea about --my comments were based solely on Jim's comment which was very vitriolic towards repairing the relationship --I'm not judging anybody --I'm merely using a biblical worldview instead of a selfish self-centered it's all about me worldview-- to look at this situation and the fact is living your life without being able to forgive is torture --and doing something like that to your own parents is probably the most mortal sin you could commit because you aren't honoring your father and mother. I could leave the accusation at your feet that you are the one who is judging because you don't know me and you're trying to make assessments of my thought processes without me telling you what they are--- Jim told us what his thought process was therefore we can make an assessment.
I am not a Christian, but I believe we can forgive without deciding to subject ourselves anew to treatment that disrespects us and our chosen loved ones. If all of the bending would need to come from Jim and none from his parents, this sounds unrewarding. Sad but possibly ultimately more positive.
"Jim told us what his thought process was therefore we can make an assessment." = I'm not sure this is what the Bible meant when it said to not judge, or you too will be judged 😂 What about we leave it to the higher powers to make this "assessment"? ☺️ In the meantime, love your neighbor ✌️
You aren't getting it --the Bible exists outside of my opinions --my opinions don't matter-I'm not the judge I'm merely a messenger----- I told you I'm merely looking at this through biblical viewpoint because I am a Christian. Jim is giving faulty advice to people. Telling people to not forgive is not good advice for anybody regarding anything. If one doesn't have the capability to forgive then they won't have the capacity or ability to love. Because people you love will hurt you no matter who or what it is because humanity is sinful. Forgiveness is an imperative in this life. And I'll forgive you for being judgmental of me.
Milene, you aren't understanding. I'm a Christian, a believer in the one true sovereign God, maker of heaven and earth, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The Bible is the authority upon which Christians base their lives. I'm a messenger of that message. You began this thread by making a personal attack on me. I did NOT attack Jim. I merely gave a biblical critique of his advice to this Muslim man and his parents, and I did that critique through a Christian biblical worldview using the commands God gave us in the Bible. (Thou shalt honor thy Father and Mother) Exodus 20:12. This is the fifth commandment, repeated in Ephesians 6:2-3, and it carries no conditional clause about parents’ behavior. Honoring them is an act of obedience to God, which shows trust in His design for family structure, even when parents fail to show acceptance. Honoring doesn’t mean agreeing with or enabling wrong behavior but showing respect in attitude and actions, which can be done while maintaining healthy boundaries. Matthew 6:14-15 warns, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Unforgiveness blocks your relationship with God, making forgiveness essential, even for deep hurts like parental rejection. Jesus modeled forgiveness in extreme rejection. On the cross, He prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Parents who don’t accept you may act out of ignorance, brokenness, or sin. Forgiving them is the Christlike thing to do, extending grace as He did for us the wretched sinners of humanity.(all of us).
Jim this is a terrible outlook and won't help anything. Have you heard of diplomacy? These are your parents. THEY gave you life. Without them you cannot be here. IT does NOT matter who is right or wrong in the situation. Do you love anybody or anything? Have any empathy? Things aren't always black and white. Life is messy. Forgive others. No matter the wrong, especially family. God is good, Humanity is weak.
The good news is people have capacity to change, parents and kids. Freshman year in college I was extremely homophobic. Had a roommate I belatedly found out was gay and behaved deplorably. I was from a small conservative town, conservative family, conservative boys boarding school. But by senior year in college I’d come full circle (and this was long before anything called “LGBTQ”). I would hate to think my freshman year friends think I’m still the same person I was then, because I’m not.
This is heavy. Or maybe it’s not. Depends on the day - the decade - the distance you’ve traveled.
I’m 54 now and only recently - after fifty years of suffering, self-blame, and emotional contortion - I finally saw who my parents really are. Not the myth. Not the wound. Just them. Fully human. Deeply limited. And still trying.
And honestly - they could’ve written the same line back.
“I finally see who my daughter really is.”
That realization cracked something open in me. The tenderness of it is still catching up.
Thank you for naming all the sharp corners. For saying what so many of us carry around like bruises we forget to stop pressing.
It might be because I am closer in age to Tarek... I understand his side better! As soon as you began to tell the story, a memory from college came back to me: a close gay friend of mine announcing the passing of his friend, a 22-year-old gay muslim student. He had taken his own life and left a letter explaining why. My friend was immensely shaken by his passing. He told me this tragedy had only solidified his conviction to be unapologetically himself.
As you mentioned many times, who are we to judge? We have no idea of the dark thoughts that could be going through someone's mind. If we knew, then, maybe we would want to protect them in a cocoon of what, I guess, could be called individualism or selfishness. An article, unfortunately, will never be enough to understand decades of relationships.
Another thought I had while reading... I enjoy reading Reddit threads such as "Older redditors (70+), what advice do you have/what would you have liked to do differently...". I've been reading this type of thread for a decade now. Can you believe I had never seen in any of them, something like "I wish I had splintered myself/forgiven someone/been more accommodating to family/friends with different opinions" ...on the contrary! The wise ones are warning us of doing that 😂 It's all "stop making yourself small to accommodate XYZ", "be unapologetically yourself", etc. Of course, this is just Reddit advice, to be taken with a pinch of salt! Just something I got reminded of.
I take this matter to heart because I also have a complicated relationship with my family. They are not completely cut off from my life, but I do have to carefully measure the amount of time I spend with them, as well as the information I share, in fear of the "dark thoughts" they have the power to trigger in me.
I mean, the devil is always in the details! I would never advise anyone to compromise core beliefs or principles (and I don't think I ever have). But the Big Picture is still the Big Picture.
Maybe it's because I spend so much less time in America now, but I confess, I am increasingly less sympathetic to anything that reeks of "It's all about me." Maybe it is all about us! But before we reach that place, I do think it's important to consider -- REALLY consider! -- how the other person is seeing it.
Appreciate your thoughts here, and elsewhere in this thread.
A wonderful essay Brent and as a younger gay man coming out my own internalized homophobia made me react much to harshly with my family. Fearing rejection we sometime do not give them the time to accept the situation . We distance ourselves. As a mature gay man I am with you, time is short and at some point you run out of time to meet them where they are. It is never going to be perfect. Again, a wonderful, thoughtful essay.
Thank you, William. Yes, I think when you come out, you are EXTREMELY vulnerable, so it's hard as hell to accept anything except, well, full acceptance. And that's okay -- life is messy! But, yeah, time is short, and nothing and no one is ever perfect.
So while I haven't read the original NYT article, I read yours twice and found it fascinating. Especially since I'm gong through my own struggles regarding being seen by my own family. While I appreciate your perspective and understand where you're coming from, I really question your conclusion that it is the LGBT family member who rejected his family. They blocked him after he told them he is having sex with men. They refused to attend his graduation because he insisted in having his partner there. It seems the only reconciliation they have made since then is to invite him to family gatherings where he will be expected to play exactly the role they have specified for him to play. He is simply being honest about the fact they they have indeed rejected him.
I find myself in the same situation. Setting healthy boundaries and receiving rejection in return. only for the family members who rejected me to tell everybody who will listen that it was me who rejected them. It is so slippery and in my case it happened at such a young age that I actually fell victim to the false narrative myself.
It felt wonderful reading your words on this issue. While I don't agree with your conclusion I really appreciate having the opportunity to read another gay man talking about this issue as well as being able to share my perspective.
Thanks, Tracey. It's complicated! And the devil really is in the details.
I do think from the parents' point of view, their perspective would be something like: We gave up our entire lives, sacrificed for decades to give our child a better life. He can't give us time to get used to this, this thing that is completely outside our world view?
And I think that IS part of the context. But how much it matters, I don't know.
I agree, Brent. As I've gotten older I've felt the same way; that people and situations are often complicated and nuanced. I definitely notice a softening compared to my 20-something self, which was often more binary.
I had older friends say to me, "Just wait! You'll change your mind when you get older!" And, yeah, I've changed or shifted on a few things. But I'm still liberal-as-hell on all the issues those folks were talking about! LOL
What a refreshing piece. It's similar to my own evolution to coming out to my family and the difficult relationship that followed (especially with my father since my mother had passed when I was 20 years old).
Thankfully, I do not come from a religious background and my father was a non-agressive, passive man. However, he did make it clear that upon my announcement of my homosexuality and an age of 21 (I am now 63), he did not approve and felt I had a real problem. I was very clear, that he had the problem and my only problem was being in the closet, which is now officially a chapter that is closed.
I never was close with my father or family given my sexuality. We grew up poor with blue collar roots. For the next 20 years after our falling out, I really remained mostly estranged and kept communication with them minimal. It was hard living as a gay man (especially through the AIDS crisis) and your only people you had for support was your fellow gay men. Having family would have been truly amazing. I would (and still sometimes) always have a tear in my eyes seeing P-Flag contingent at Pride Days and wished that could have been my family.
However, years later in my late 30's, I started to wrestle with my demons (which included alcohol and drug addiction). Participating in 12 step and the wonderful support of a good therapist, I was able to look at things differently.
One day after about a year in therapy where I constantly bemoaned my family (again especially my father) had abandoned me, my therapist asked me some very pertinent questions.
1) Did my father abuse me? (No, he was a passive man and physical agression was not part of his nature. But the silence and disapproval was deafening).
2) Did my father neglect me? (No. I came to see over the years how much my parents sacrificed their own comfort always putting us kids first. We were poor and looking back, I actually have guilt around how little gratitude I had ever shown).
3) Do you think deep down your father loved you? (Yes. But he was incapable (I wanted to interpret it as "unwilling") to show me.
4) Do you think you could accept that your father did the best he could given what he had to work with (he grew up as a farmer with limited exposure to world and little education)? (It was like a huge light bulb... more like explosion went off. YES!. I did believe he loved me. I just could not see it nor was I willing to accept it because it was not how I wanted or expected him to show it to me.
My life and how I felt about my family totally changed at that moment. It was a huge epiphany to me. They were all doing the best they could with something they virtually knew nothing about except what society had put on them.
Like you sharing about your father proud to introduce your partner as your husband at his retirement home, the last 15 of my father and me lives together were by far the best we ever had. We became quite close and I realized I had the best father I could have hoped for. He really did the best he could. It also was not "all about me". He lost his wife (our mother) he dearly loved and had now 4 kids (me being the oldest) he had to deal with that he had no real experience as our mother was a stay-at-home-mom raising us. He was the provider.
As for my family... we are all good. We have a true family and despite some initial struggles, we are all very good and accepting about where we are all at in our lives as senior citizens. What more could I ask for?
Reading your piece reminds me how much "true forgiveness and acceptance" really pays off. My life and especially how I felt about myself as a gay man changed immensely once I was able to get past this. I agree with you. If we want a relationship with our families, we are going to have to lead and ultimately accept that we probably won't get what we are ultimately looking for.
We are both of at an age (60+) where if we are lucky as gay men, we soften how we feel about people not accepting us and realize that ultimately it's not that important what people think of us and understand most of what you are experiencing as rejection and homophobia is not truly who they are, but a construct that was imposed upon them.
Again. Great piece. I hope more gay men (or anyone struggling with parental relationships) can find a way past their pain.
Hi Colin! Thanks for the great, heartfelt comment. In the end, I think you're right, the most important question is: Do you believe they did the best they could? Assuming there's no outright abuse, that's probably what matters most.
It was important to me to write this piece because I don't see it expressed much in LGBTQ circles (and there is pushback here in the comments, which is fine). But it's definitely what I think it true -- thought, as always, the devil is in the details of everyone unique life.
Not intended to drag this out... But I have a simple exercise I try to follow when a faced with dilemmas, big life situation and choices. Some might find it helpful.
I mediate a bit and imagine myself on my deathbed. Instead of imaging the fear and reality of death, I want to believe I having ultimately accepted my imminent passing and now have a chance to look back at a situation like the one you describe in your original post.
Would I have wanted to find a way to at least meet my family half way (hoping for more) or would I feel better passing knowing I stood my ground and stood up for principles I feel I strongly believe in?
For me... when I do this exercise, the answer becomes very clear and very fast. I have used this technique to guide much of my big decisions in life. I quite simply ask myself, "If in the end, you had a chance to look back over your life, what ultimately would you have wished you had done?"
If your parents cannot or will not even try to understand your position then in my mind they don’t love you enough! Continuing to always look for their approval is a waste of time! We always take our grandchildren out for lunch when we visit so….One of my grandchildren is gay! My first thought was no! Not because I don’t love her but because people can be mean and cruel! I asked if she was sure….she said yes; I asked if she was happy….she said yes….i said if she’s happy I’m happy…..I asked if she told her parents……she said yes so I asked what they said! She told me her father said He never saw that coming and her mother said…”I know!”….i asked her grandfather if he heard everything and he said yes! We get back to the house and she asked if we had any questions for her. We both told her if she was happy we are happy! At this point I should tell you I don’t have any gaydar…..when the higher power of the universe announced where the line for gaydar was……I didn’t hear it so I have none…..we lost our youngest daughter at 16 yrs old….when you lose a child everything in your life changes…everything! Believe me when I tell you we would take a gay child instead of dead!
Here’s my answer: No, he does not need to forgive his parents now or ever. My question is why is it that the LGBTQ family member is always expected to forgive in these situations, yet the conservative, often religious members of the family never need to do anything? They can continue with their epithets, crude jokes, hurtful comments, and overall disrespect for us and we should say or do nothing. However, if we dare to bring up something important in our lives, we’re accused of “throwing it in their faces” or “ramming it down their throats.” Yes, this has happened to me even after repeated attempts over forty plus years to reach out. But not just me, also my husband and many of our friends. So the author may be doing himself a favor and freeing up decades of unnecessary family drama so he can live his life guilt-free.
I am 60 years old and there is a peace and a freedom in not tolerating my parents (and a couple of siblings) who continually bait and mock the non-MAGA family members (like me & mine), and who say horrible things about my queer child and myself. I don’t live a life of anger & resentment. Quite the opposite! I pity their miserable lives, their narrow & mean-spirited world view, and the fact that they’ll never get to know what a cool adult my kid has grown into. My child THANKS me for raising them far away from my hateful family. There is so much peace in not being around to watch them blatantly favor the grandkids who pretend to be what their grandparents expect while my child is ignored, shunned, judged. It’s not about forgiveness. It’s about peace. I quit crying about my parents disapproval of my rejection of their religious beliefs, my queerness, my kids queerness. Now I seek joy with my chosen family. And the peace is glorious!
I'm happy you've found a place of peace! That's what it's ALL about.
I agree that if the parents make no movement at all, a child is absolutely within their rights to leave the situation. (But I don't think that the point I'm making in the piece, btw.)
Sorry for what you've been through, Jim.
Full support for you, Jim - I hope you do not pay much attention to Dallas' comment, he seems to be struggling with the "Do not judge, or you too will be judged" part of his own beliefs 🤷🏻♀️
Milene( great name btw love it)You don't know me so don't make character assessments on something you have no idea about --my comments were based solely on Jim's comment which was very vitriolic towards repairing the relationship --I'm not judging anybody --I'm merely using a biblical worldview instead of a selfish self-centered it's all about me worldview-- to look at this situation and the fact is living your life without being able to forgive is torture --and doing something like that to your own parents is probably the most mortal sin you could commit because you aren't honoring your father and mother. I could leave the accusation at your feet that you are the one who is judging because you don't know me and you're trying to make assessments of my thought processes without me telling you what they are--- Jim told us what his thought process was therefore we can make an assessment.
I am not a Christian, but I believe we can forgive without deciding to subject ourselves anew to treatment that disrespects us and our chosen loved ones. If all of the bending would need to come from Jim and none from his parents, this sounds unrewarding. Sad but possibly ultimately more positive.
"Jim told us what his thought process was therefore we can make an assessment." = I'm not sure this is what the Bible meant when it said to not judge, or you too will be judged 😂 What about we leave it to the higher powers to make this "assessment"? ☺️ In the meantime, love your neighbor ✌️
You aren't getting it --the Bible exists outside of my opinions --my opinions don't matter-I'm not the judge I'm merely a messenger----- I told you I'm merely looking at this through biblical viewpoint because I am a Christian. Jim is giving faulty advice to people. Telling people to not forgive is not good advice for anybody regarding anything. If one doesn't have the capability to forgive then they won't have the capacity or ability to love. Because people you love will hurt you no matter who or what it is because humanity is sinful. Forgiveness is an imperative in this life. And I'll forgive you for being judgmental of me.
You're a messenger of God?? Wow, I had not realized.
Please, do continue to live your life according to your principles. I'll do the same, and so will Jim. We will all meet at the finish line ☺️
Milene, you aren't understanding. I'm a Christian, a believer in the one true sovereign God, maker of heaven and earth, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The Bible is the authority upon which Christians base their lives. I'm a messenger of that message. You began this thread by making a personal attack on me. I did NOT attack Jim. I merely gave a biblical critique of his advice to this Muslim man and his parents, and I did that critique through a Christian biblical worldview using the commands God gave us in the Bible. (Thou shalt honor thy Father and Mother) Exodus 20:12. This is the fifth commandment, repeated in Ephesians 6:2-3, and it carries no conditional clause about parents’ behavior. Honoring them is an act of obedience to God, which shows trust in His design for family structure, even when parents fail to show acceptance. Honoring doesn’t mean agreeing with or enabling wrong behavior but showing respect in attitude and actions, which can be done while maintaining healthy boundaries. Matthew 6:14-15 warns, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Unforgiveness blocks your relationship with God, making forgiveness essential, even for deep hurts like parental rejection. Jesus modeled forgiveness in extreme rejection. On the cross, He prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Parents who don’t accept you may act out of ignorance, brokenness, or sin. Forgiving them is the Christlike thing to do, extending grace as He did for us the wretched sinners of humanity.(all of us).
Jim this is a terrible outlook and won't help anything. Have you heard of diplomacy? These are your parents. THEY gave you life. Without them you cannot be here. IT does NOT matter who is right or wrong in the situation. Do you love anybody or anything? Have any empathy? Things aren't always black and white. Life is messy. Forgive others. No matter the wrong, especially family. God is good, Humanity is weak.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCf5hAbUNHzoMBT0AZN4qsaA
The good news is people have capacity to change, parents and kids. Freshman year in college I was extremely homophobic. Had a roommate I belatedly found out was gay and behaved deplorably. I was from a small conservative town, conservative family, conservative boys boarding school. But by senior year in college I’d come full circle (and this was long before anything called “LGBTQ”). I would hate to think my freshman year friends think I’m still the same person I was then, because I’m not.
I have had similar journeys. Forgiveness is important, but so is making amends for things we do wrong. And it sounds like you have!
This is heavy. Or maybe it’s not. Depends on the day - the decade - the distance you’ve traveled.
I’m 54 now and only recently - after fifty years of suffering, self-blame, and emotional contortion - I finally saw who my parents really are. Not the myth. Not the wound. Just them. Fully human. Deeply limited. And still trying.
And honestly - they could’ve written the same line back.
“I finally see who my daughter really is.”
That realization cracked something open in me. The tenderness of it is still catching up.
Thank you for naming all the sharp corners. For saying what so many of us carry around like bruises we forget to stop pressing.
Haha, wonderful. Yeah, we all have bruises. In the end, that's the point, isn't it? To see each other as we really are? So true.
Beautifully said
Interesting essay!
It might be because I am closer in age to Tarek... I understand his side better! As soon as you began to tell the story, a memory from college came back to me: a close gay friend of mine announcing the passing of his friend, a 22-year-old gay muslim student. He had taken his own life and left a letter explaining why. My friend was immensely shaken by his passing. He told me this tragedy had only solidified his conviction to be unapologetically himself.
As you mentioned many times, who are we to judge? We have no idea of the dark thoughts that could be going through someone's mind. If we knew, then, maybe we would want to protect them in a cocoon of what, I guess, could be called individualism or selfishness. An article, unfortunately, will never be enough to understand decades of relationships.
Another thought I had while reading... I enjoy reading Reddit threads such as "Older redditors (70+), what advice do you have/what would you have liked to do differently...". I've been reading this type of thread for a decade now. Can you believe I had never seen in any of them, something like "I wish I had splintered myself/forgiven someone/been more accommodating to family/friends with different opinions" ...on the contrary! The wise ones are warning us of doing that 😂 It's all "stop making yourself small to accommodate XYZ", "be unapologetically yourself", etc. Of course, this is just Reddit advice, to be taken with a pinch of salt! Just something I got reminded of.
I take this matter to heart because I also have a complicated relationship with my family. They are not completely cut off from my life, but I do have to carefully measure the amount of time I spend with them, as well as the information I share, in fear of the "dark thoughts" they have the power to trigger in me.
To each their own! 🥂
I mean, the devil is always in the details! I would never advise anyone to compromise core beliefs or principles (and I don't think I ever have). But the Big Picture is still the Big Picture.
Maybe it's because I spend so much less time in America now, but I confess, I am increasingly less sympathetic to anything that reeks of "It's all about me." Maybe it is all about us! But before we reach that place, I do think it's important to consider -- REALLY consider! -- how the other person is seeing it.
Appreciate your thoughts here, and elsewhere in this thread.
A wonderful essay Brent and as a younger gay man coming out my own internalized homophobia made me react much to harshly with my family. Fearing rejection we sometime do not give them the time to accept the situation . We distance ourselves. As a mature gay man I am with you, time is short and at some point you run out of time to meet them where they are. It is never going to be perfect. Again, a wonderful, thoughtful essay.
Thank you, William. Yes, I think when you come out, you are EXTREMELY vulnerable, so it's hard as hell to accept anything except, well, full acceptance. And that's okay -- life is messy! But, yeah, time is short, and nothing and no one is ever perfect.
So while I haven't read the original NYT article, I read yours twice and found it fascinating. Especially since I'm gong through my own struggles regarding being seen by my own family. While I appreciate your perspective and understand where you're coming from, I really question your conclusion that it is the LGBT family member who rejected his family. They blocked him after he told them he is having sex with men. They refused to attend his graduation because he insisted in having his partner there. It seems the only reconciliation they have made since then is to invite him to family gatherings where he will be expected to play exactly the role they have specified for him to play. He is simply being honest about the fact they they have indeed rejected him.
I find myself in the same situation. Setting healthy boundaries and receiving rejection in return. only for the family members who rejected me to tell everybody who will listen that it was me who rejected them. It is so slippery and in my case it happened at such a young age that I actually fell victim to the false narrative myself.
It felt wonderful reading your words on this issue. While I don't agree with your conclusion I really appreciate having the opportunity to read another gay man talking about this issue as well as being able to share my perspective.
Thanks, Tracey. It's complicated! And the devil really is in the details.
I do think from the parents' point of view, their perspective would be something like: We gave up our entire lives, sacrificed for decades to give our child a better life. He can't give us time to get used to this, this thing that is completely outside our world view?
And I think that IS part of the context. But how much it matters, I don't know.
Appreciation of family comes with age. I had to learn it, too.
Unexpected, isnt' it?
I agree, Brent. As I've gotten older I've felt the same way; that people and situations are often complicated and nuanced. I definitely notice a softening compared to my 20-something self, which was often more binary.
I had older friends say to me, "Just wait! You'll change your mind when you get older!" And, yeah, I've changed or shifted on a few things. But I'm still liberal-as-hell on all the issues those folks were talking about! LOL
Deeply insightful and beautifully written—as always. Thanks so much for sharing this Brent!
Thanks Matt!
Thoughtful piece, full of heart.
Thank you, Blaine.
The older I get, the more I realize just how intricately complicated relationships are. Thanks for your perspective and insight.
Thanks, Lisa.
Beautifully written❤
Thank you, Christina.
Really enjoyed this, especially the part about how we learn the need for grace and forgiveness as we get older!
Thank you! Yes, man, that's been true for me.
Beautiful essay! 😍
Thank you!
What a refreshing piece. It's similar to my own evolution to coming out to my family and the difficult relationship that followed (especially with my father since my mother had passed when I was 20 years old).
Thankfully, I do not come from a religious background and my father was a non-agressive, passive man. However, he did make it clear that upon my announcement of my homosexuality and an age of 21 (I am now 63), he did not approve and felt I had a real problem. I was very clear, that he had the problem and my only problem was being in the closet, which is now officially a chapter that is closed.
I never was close with my father or family given my sexuality. We grew up poor with blue collar roots. For the next 20 years after our falling out, I really remained mostly estranged and kept communication with them minimal. It was hard living as a gay man (especially through the AIDS crisis) and your only people you had for support was your fellow gay men. Having family would have been truly amazing. I would (and still sometimes) always have a tear in my eyes seeing P-Flag contingent at Pride Days and wished that could have been my family.
However, years later in my late 30's, I started to wrestle with my demons (which included alcohol and drug addiction). Participating in 12 step and the wonderful support of a good therapist, I was able to look at things differently.
One day after about a year in therapy where I constantly bemoaned my family (again especially my father) had abandoned me, my therapist asked me some very pertinent questions.
1) Did my father abuse me? (No, he was a passive man and physical agression was not part of his nature. But the silence and disapproval was deafening).
2) Did my father neglect me? (No. I came to see over the years how much my parents sacrificed their own comfort always putting us kids first. We were poor and looking back, I actually have guilt around how little gratitude I had ever shown).
3) Do you think deep down your father loved you? (Yes. But he was incapable (I wanted to interpret it as "unwilling") to show me.
4) Do you think you could accept that your father did the best he could given what he had to work with (he grew up as a farmer with limited exposure to world and little education)? (It was like a huge light bulb... more like explosion went off. YES!. I did believe he loved me. I just could not see it nor was I willing to accept it because it was not how I wanted or expected him to show it to me.
My life and how I felt about my family totally changed at that moment. It was a huge epiphany to me. They were all doing the best they could with something they virtually knew nothing about except what society had put on them.
Like you sharing about your father proud to introduce your partner as your husband at his retirement home, the last 15 of my father and me lives together were by far the best we ever had. We became quite close and I realized I had the best father I could have hoped for. He really did the best he could. It also was not "all about me". He lost his wife (our mother) he dearly loved and had now 4 kids (me being the oldest) he had to deal with that he had no real experience as our mother was a stay-at-home-mom raising us. He was the provider.
As for my family... we are all good. We have a true family and despite some initial struggles, we are all very good and accepting about where we are all at in our lives as senior citizens. What more could I ask for?
Reading your piece reminds me how much "true forgiveness and acceptance" really pays off. My life and especially how I felt about myself as a gay man changed immensely once I was able to get past this. I agree with you. If we want a relationship with our families, we are going to have to lead and ultimately accept that we probably won't get what we are ultimately looking for.
We are both of at an age (60+) where if we are lucky as gay men, we soften how we feel about people not accepting us and realize that ultimately it's not that important what people think of us and understand most of what you are experiencing as rejection and homophobia is not truly who they are, but a construct that was imposed upon them.
Again. Great piece. I hope more gay men (or anyone struggling with parental relationships) can find a way past their pain.
Hi Colin! Thanks for the great, heartfelt comment. In the end, I think you're right, the most important question is: Do you believe they did the best they could? Assuming there's no outright abuse, that's probably what matters most.
It was important to me to write this piece because I don't see it expressed much in LGBTQ circles (and there is pushback here in the comments, which is fine). But it's definitely what I think it true -- thought, as always, the devil is in the details of everyone unique life.
Not intended to drag this out... But I have a simple exercise I try to follow when a faced with dilemmas, big life situation and choices. Some might find it helpful.
I mediate a bit and imagine myself on my deathbed. Instead of imaging the fear and reality of death, I want to believe I having ultimately accepted my imminent passing and now have a chance to look back at a situation like the one you describe in your original post.
Would I have wanted to find a way to at least meet my family half way (hoping for more) or would I feel better passing knowing I stood my ground and stood up for principles I feel I strongly believe in?
For me... when I do this exercise, the answer becomes very clear and very fast. I have used this technique to guide much of my big decisions in life. I quite simply ask myself, "If in the end, you had a chance to look back over your life, what ultimately would you have wished you had done?"
I think this is very wise. And sometimes the principle IS important! But this exercise definitely claries it.
If your parents cannot or will not even try to understand your position then in my mind they don’t love you enough! Continuing to always look for their approval is a waste of time! We always take our grandchildren out for lunch when we visit so….One of my grandchildren is gay! My first thought was no! Not because I don’t love her but because people can be mean and cruel! I asked if she was sure….she said yes; I asked if she was happy….she said yes….i said if she’s happy I’m happy…..I asked if she told her parents……she said yes so I asked what they said! She told me her father said He never saw that coming and her mother said…”I know!”….i asked her grandfather if he heard everything and he said yes! We get back to the house and she asked if we had any questions for her. We both told her if she was happy we are happy! At this point I should tell you I don’t have any gaydar…..when the higher power of the universe announced where the line for gaydar was……I didn’t hear it so I have none…..we lost our youngest daughter at 16 yrs old….when you lose a child everything in your life changes…everything! Believe me when I tell you we would take a gay child instead of dead!
I'm so sorry, Amy, that must have been absolutely terrible. I can't imagine what you must have gone through, just awful. Thank you for sharing.