I'm glad you've discovered the wonders of Japanese baths! One of my favorite things about living in Japan!
Regarding "But why not just use the shower nozzle? And why am I sitting? In fact, why the hell am I not just taking a thorough shower?", it's all about space and respect. Showering while standing takes up more space than sitting on your little stool. Circumspectly pouring small buckets of water over yourself avoids accidently spraying your neighbor with you shower head. Americans spread out and take you space, Japanese do not.
On my husband’s 70th birthday back in 2018 our Golden Princess cruise from Singapore to Alaska landed in Muroran. I had done some research and had booked a full-day in the public onsen at Dai-ichi Takimotokan in Noboritbetsu. We grabbed the train at the port and then a taxi to the hotel.
Nick and I separated and our individual adventures began. There were no other Westerners there so I just watched what the Japanese women (and their children) did. I only got yelled at once—when I forgot to put on my slippers and walked barefoot in the locker room. Then I put a washcloth on my head and wandered into the series of pools. Each was labelled for a various body part or function. The temperatures ranged from tepid to as high as 110 degrees. At 5’8 and 170 pounds, I never felt so fat and white! The adults didn’t stare but the children sure did. The Japanese mothers did their best to whisper them into silence. I just smiled and waved at them.
Afterwards, I returned to the locker room and put on my bathing suit to join Nick in the warm springs, outdoor co-ed pool. With a volcano view. There was a whirlpool spinner to dry out my suit in the locker room.
Nick had a similar experience. Like me, he gravitated towards the hottest pool and had a funny interlude with a Japanese man who announced it was too hot for him. He also caught some sidelong glances at his 6’1” 210 pound frame! The cafe and the gift shop in the hotel were spectacular as well.
What an amazing day—so so relaxing. We plan to go and actually stay at this hotel and explore Nororibetsu for a few days during our 4-month stay this spring. We have also made reservations at The Dormy Inn, another hotel with a private onsen in Muroran.
That sounds (mostly!) lovely! Yes, many of these places are absolute COMPLEXES. We were in one yesterday that had four floors of various "lounges" and pools and hot stone chambers, etc. etc. Just wonderful!
Great article. I like your observations around the issues of community, nudity, body image and as another gay boy growing up in school, I too was terrified of the communal showers. Thankfully it was not mandatory.
Starting in my late 30s in an attempt to get past my fear of nudity and body shame, I started attending clothing optional and nude beaches. While I don’t consider myself a nudist, I have come to be reasonably comfortable in clothing optional environments and actually even prefer them.
The main thing I like is that it is a real equalizer among us. We have no clothes or props to project something or someone we are not. Once you get past the initial uncomfortable feeling of being exposed, people tend to engage with people way more authentically.
I have a small resort in Costa Rica for gay men and I decided to go clothing optional. I realized that this ultimately limits my potential clientele as many gay men are not comfortable in this environment, but for me I chose this path because I wanted to create an environment that attracted a more organic and wholesome type of community that would engage more with each other. I also find that people just tend to be way more calm and relaxed. Another interesting observation is that very few people are glued to their phones. Some are even playing board games or cards.
Like you observe, I too am concerned about the movement away from being in physical community and see it as really adding to our estrangement and distrust of each other. I really hope this trend will reverse and people will come to realize the value of physical community and ultimately how healthy it is on so many levels.
Once again thanks for the “enlightenment” on the subject and the sharing of your own personal experiences growing up as a gay boy. Reading your blog is an oasis compared to consuming news about how horrible the world is.
Interesting point about the lack of clothes, etc. being the "great equalizer." And -- haha -- we'd probably ALL be better off with "phones optional" or "phones banned" rules at resorts like yours.
And thanks for the feedback about our generally-positive-but-occasionally-mystified take on the world!
I was super excited about your descriptions about Japanese public baths - I love a ritual - but am now profoundly disappointed that anyone with tattoos isn’t allowed. I’m not covered in them, but I have half a dozen. So that sucks.
To join you as an old man GenXer shaking his fist at clouds (😉), thanks for putting “trauma” and “abuse” into quotes - two words that have lost their meaning in modern American society. Public showers in high school weren’t fun, but come on.
And that retreating into the private sphere, facilitated by an online world (he is acutely aware he’s tapping this response out on a phone, living vicariously through your experiences online) is so deeply depressing to me. Community is a world that we have become desensitized to, and avoidant of. And that makes me so sad.
Others have pointed out that at some onsens, there are patches you can wear to cover tattoos. I just saw that for the first time yesterday! It's an option anyway.
Yes, the tattoo thing strikes me as supremely unfair (but of course it's not much culture). I'm sorry about that, but even now, it's taken VERY seriously, alas.
Sighhh, yeah. I didn't expect to feel THIS out of touch with the zeitgeist. The death a community seems like a huge deal, and a very bad one.
Another wonderful Brent article! Thoroughly enjoyed. Never had much of a desire for tattoos but after my trips to Japan and deep love of this ritual, I knew I would never get one if even for this very specific reason. One of my best memories of Japan was walking into the bathing area of an onsen in very rural Japan with my 6 foot + very hairy (Robin Williams hairy) friend and watching the jaws drop and eyes glue to him. I mean in a very respectful Japanese way of course
I read it, Brent, and kept shaking my head in disbelief. I have to say—I’m German—and over here, thermal baths with large sauna areas are always nude-only. Thermal or brine baths vary: some allow swimwear, others are strictly nude-only as well.
What you describe about the U.S. feels deeply Victorian to me—like those days when people were wheeled in their private bathing huts straight into the North Sea.
And yes, ever since neocapitalism and its exploitative work ethic took hold here, and social media addiction spread, pubs have been closing, conversations are happening less and less, and the world feels increasingly cold—even during a heatwave.
And in Germany, air conditioning still isn’t the norm (yet).
Thanks Brent, it seems the traditionalists have not only successfully tried to catapult American politics and constitutional rights back into the 19th century. When I last visited the U.S. back 2008-2012 I had a completely different impression, it felt back than more like an Europeanization in that regard.
This perspective on communal bathing culture is so refreshing! I've experienced onsens in Japan and hammams in Turkey during my travels, and you're absolutely right about how quickly the nudity becomes normalized - within minutes, you're just... relaxed. The point about avoiding avoidance resonates strongly. As someone who's constantly pushing myself into uncomfortable situations while traveling (new languages, unfamiliar foods, navigating solo in remote areas), I've learned that discomfort is where growth happens. The observation about people retreating from their communities hits hard. I've seen this shift even in the coworking spaces I frequent across Asia - everyone's plugged in but no one's actually connecting. Japan's public baths represent something we're losing globally: affordable, regular communal rituals that aren't about consumption but about genuine human connection. Thanks for this thoughtful piece!
Brent — this nails something we’re deeply uncomfortable admitting.
Community requires shared vulnerability. And yes, sometimes that literally means bodies — unfiltered, unoptimized, uncurated.
What struck me most wasn’t the nudity, but the absence of performance. You don’t go to be impressive. You go to participate. Wash first. Don’t take up space that isn’t yours. Leave things better for the next person. Then sit quietly in warm water with other humans who also have aging knees, scars, bellies, softness.
That feels… sane.
The contrast you draw with American avoidance culture lands hard. We’ve confused “protecting” ourselves with insulating ourselves — and then act surprised when anxiety, loneliness, and body shame explode.
There’s something profoundly regulating about being seen — briefly, neutrally, without commentary — and then moving on.
Gender segregated public baths is one of the best privileges of being a same sex couple :P Reading this makes me want to rebook another trip back to Japan!
Here I love to go to Everett Healing House - the closest to a Japanese bathing experience - a large outdoor hot tub with a waterfall, cold tubs, fire pit and then indoor saunas & steam room. All Co-ed and clothing optional - most people are nude. I hope I get to visit Japan some day - but I’d have to find a private experience since I have several tattoos.
I'm really surprised about the tattoo ban because tattooing has become SO common in the US. Sometimes I think I'm the only American left who doesn't have at least one. So I'm guessing most American tourists don't even try the Japanese public baths!
There is a real cultural divide. I will say that it's true and obvious that tattoos here have a very strong connection to organized crime, and because of the stigma, most Japanese do NOT have tattoos. Also, Japanese don't really care what other cultures think of their culture which, in a way, is refreshing. But tattoos mean something entirely different in America (and like you, I sometimes feel like I'm only one who doesn't have one!), and that causes some vague resentment among the tourists, for sure.
What a great essay! I wholeheartedly agree: being naked in front of strangers is good for us. I’ve been wanting to write my own essay about this and feel more motivated to do so now. So glad you got to experience this and cushion some of the bad memories of anti-gay gyms with better memories Japanese onsens.
Thank you Claire! Yes, just positive in every way. In fact, I'm going again today! (That's about seven we've been too, total. I'm making it part of MY daily life too!)
We are lucky to have the Korean Day ( scrub) spas in SF and Irvine, Calif that are amazing. Communal nude hot and cold plunge pools do take some getting used to but you are correct about the variety of bodies. They also have salt rooms, ice rooms, clay rooms, saunas, steam, total body scrub and massage to totally detox and relax. The Koreans do it right and these are affordable and you spend hours there getting scrubbed and relaxed.
Banning tattoos? That eliminates a lot of the population. I guess I can’t go to the Japanese baths.
Oh how wonderful! Yes, the Japanese have all those rooms and spas too -- I should have mentioned that! Today, in fact, I believe i shall get a scrub and massage...
I'm glad you've discovered the wonders of Japanese baths! One of my favorite things about living in Japan!
Regarding "But why not just use the shower nozzle? And why am I sitting? In fact, why the hell am I not just taking a thorough shower?", it's all about space and respect. Showering while standing takes up more space than sitting on your little stool. Circumspectly pouring small buckets of water over yourself avoids accidently spraying your neighbor with you shower head. Americans spread out and take you space, Japanese do not.
Oh, that is VERY interesting! Thank you. I also suspect it dates from a time when "running water" and "showers" weren't around?
On my husband’s 70th birthday back in 2018 our Golden Princess cruise from Singapore to Alaska landed in Muroran. I had done some research and had booked a full-day in the public onsen at Dai-ichi Takimotokan in Noboritbetsu. We grabbed the train at the port and then a taxi to the hotel.
Nick and I separated and our individual adventures began. There were no other Westerners there so I just watched what the Japanese women (and their children) did. I only got yelled at once—when I forgot to put on my slippers and walked barefoot in the locker room. Then I put a washcloth on my head and wandered into the series of pools. Each was labelled for a various body part or function. The temperatures ranged from tepid to as high as 110 degrees. At 5’8 and 170 pounds, I never felt so fat and white! The adults didn’t stare but the children sure did. The Japanese mothers did their best to whisper them into silence. I just smiled and waved at them.
Afterwards, I returned to the locker room and put on my bathing suit to join Nick in the warm springs, outdoor co-ed pool. With a volcano view. There was a whirlpool spinner to dry out my suit in the locker room.
Nick had a similar experience. Like me, he gravitated towards the hottest pool and had a funny interlude with a Japanese man who announced it was too hot for him. He also caught some sidelong glances at his 6’1” 210 pound frame! The cafe and the gift shop in the hotel were spectacular as well.
What an amazing day—so so relaxing. We plan to go and actually stay at this hotel and explore Nororibetsu for a few days during our 4-month stay this spring. We have also made reservations at The Dormy Inn, another hotel with a private onsen in Muroran.
That sounds (mostly!) lovely! Yes, many of these places are absolute COMPLEXES. We were in one yesterday that had four floors of various "lounges" and pools and hot stone chambers, etc. etc. Just wonderful!
Noboribetsu is the pinnacle place for onsen! A wonderful place.
Great article. I like your observations around the issues of community, nudity, body image and as another gay boy growing up in school, I too was terrified of the communal showers. Thankfully it was not mandatory.
Starting in my late 30s in an attempt to get past my fear of nudity and body shame, I started attending clothing optional and nude beaches. While I don’t consider myself a nudist, I have come to be reasonably comfortable in clothing optional environments and actually even prefer them.
The main thing I like is that it is a real equalizer among us. We have no clothes or props to project something or someone we are not. Once you get past the initial uncomfortable feeling of being exposed, people tend to engage with people way more authentically.
I have a small resort in Costa Rica for gay men and I decided to go clothing optional. I realized that this ultimately limits my potential clientele as many gay men are not comfortable in this environment, but for me I chose this path because I wanted to create an environment that attracted a more organic and wholesome type of community that would engage more with each other. I also find that people just tend to be way more calm and relaxed. Another interesting observation is that very few people are glued to their phones. Some are even playing board games or cards.
Like you observe, I too am concerned about the movement away from being in physical community and see it as really adding to our estrangement and distrust of each other. I really hope this trend will reverse and people will come to realize the value of physical community and ultimately how healthy it is on so many levels.
Once again thanks for the “enlightenment” on the subject and the sharing of your own personal experiences growing up as a gay boy. Reading your blog is an oasis compared to consuming news about how horrible the world is.
Interesting point about the lack of clothes, etc. being the "great equalizer." And -- haha -- we'd probably ALL be better off with "phones optional" or "phones banned" rules at resorts like yours.
And thanks for the feedback about our generally-positive-but-occasionally-mystified take on the world!
I really miss the Kabuki baths in Japantown in San Francisco. There’s nothing like them anywhere I’ve found, since I’ve never been to Japan.
Wonderful! i'm sure they're similar...
I was super excited about your descriptions about Japanese public baths - I love a ritual - but am now profoundly disappointed that anyone with tattoos isn’t allowed. I’m not covered in them, but I have half a dozen. So that sucks.
To join you as an old man GenXer shaking his fist at clouds (😉), thanks for putting “trauma” and “abuse” into quotes - two words that have lost their meaning in modern American society. Public showers in high school weren’t fun, but come on.
And that retreating into the private sphere, facilitated by an online world (he is acutely aware he’s tapping this response out on a phone, living vicariously through your experiences online) is so deeply depressing to me. Community is a world that we have become desensitized to, and avoidant of. And that makes me so sad.
Others have pointed out that at some onsens, there are patches you can wear to cover tattoos. I just saw that for the first time yesterday! It's an option anyway.
Thank you for the update, Brent! Maybe I shouldn’t have scheduled my next tattoo session on Tuesday 🫠
🤣🤣🤣
Yes, the tattoo thing strikes me as supremely unfair (but of course it's not much culture). I'm sorry about that, but even now, it's taken VERY seriously, alas.
Sighhh, yeah. I didn't expect to feel THIS out of touch with the zeitgeist. The death a community seems like a huge deal, and a very bad one.
Another wonderful Brent article! Thoroughly enjoyed. Never had much of a desire for tattoos but after my trips to Japan and deep love of this ritual, I knew I would never get one if even for this very specific reason. One of my best memories of Japan was walking into the bathing area of an onsen in very rural Japan with my 6 foot + very hairy (Robin Williams hairy) friend and watching the jaws drop and eyes glue to him. I mean in a very respectful Japanese way of course
Thank you!
I'm fairly hairy too, and I think that alone draws stares. In Japan, that is very rare! But variety is the spice of life and all that... LOL
I read it, Brent, and kept shaking my head in disbelief. I have to say—I’m German—and over here, thermal baths with large sauna areas are always nude-only. Thermal or brine baths vary: some allow swimwear, others are strictly nude-only as well.
What you describe about the U.S. feels deeply Victorian to me—like those days when people were wheeled in their private bathing huts straight into the North Sea.
And yes, ever since neocapitalism and its exploitative work ethic took hold here, and social media addiction spread, pubs have been closing, conversations are happening less and less, and the world feels increasingly cold—even during a heatwave.
And in Germany, air conditioning still isn’t the norm (yet).
Oh, it IS deeply Victorian! Americans have very VERY strange ideas about sex -- either Madonna OR whore even now.
Yup, the world is increasingly cold. Good way to put it, IMHO.
Thanks Brent, it seems the traditionalists have not only successfully tried to catapult American politics and constitutional rights back into the 19th century. When I last visited the U.S. back 2008-2012 I had a completely different impression, it felt back than more like an Europeanization in that regard.
There was a moment of progress, but yes, that seems to have, uh, stalled (to say the least! LOL)
Losing "connections to a community we can truly rely on and a genuine sense of belonging" doesn't feel like progress to me either :-(
It makes me feel so old to feel that. But I do!
This perspective on communal bathing culture is so refreshing! I've experienced onsens in Japan and hammams in Turkey during my travels, and you're absolutely right about how quickly the nudity becomes normalized - within minutes, you're just... relaxed. The point about avoiding avoidance resonates strongly. As someone who's constantly pushing myself into uncomfortable situations while traveling (new languages, unfamiliar foods, navigating solo in remote areas), I've learned that discomfort is where growth happens. The observation about people retreating from their communities hits hard. I've seen this shift even in the coworking spaces I frequent across Asia - everyone's plugged in but no one's actually connecting. Japan's public baths represent something we're losing globally: affordable, regular communal rituals that aren't about consumption but about genuine human connection. Thanks for this thoughtful piece!
Thank you!
Brent — this nails something we’re deeply uncomfortable admitting.
Community requires shared vulnerability. And yes, sometimes that literally means bodies — unfiltered, unoptimized, uncurated.
What struck me most wasn’t the nudity, but the absence of performance. You don’t go to be impressive. You go to participate. Wash first. Don’t take up space that isn’t yours. Leave things better for the next person. Then sit quietly in warm water with other humans who also have aging knees, scars, bellies, softness.
That feels… sane.
The contrast you draw with American avoidance culture lands hard. We’ve confused “protecting” ourselves with insulating ourselves — and then act surprised when anxiety, loneliness, and body shame explode.
There’s something profoundly regulating about being seen — briefly, neutrally, without commentary — and then moving on.
Warm water, shared rules, no pretending.
It’s not nostalgia. It’s nervous-system literacy.
💛 Kelly
Gender segregated public baths is one of the best privileges of being a same sex couple :P Reading this makes me want to rebook another trip back to Japan!
Didn't think about that but you're right! It would be lonely (and a little disconcerting) being alone.
Or pay loads more for a private bath to go together, only to be shortchanged of all your learnings about public nudity :(
🫤🫤🫤
I absolutely loved the onsen in Japan - one of the many things that I miss so much about that country!!
They are truly the best!
Here I love to go to Everett Healing House - the closest to a Japanese bathing experience - a large outdoor hot tub with a waterfall, cold tubs, fire pit and then indoor saunas & steam room. All Co-ed and clothing optional - most people are nude. I hope I get to visit Japan some day - but I’d have to find a private experience since I have several tattoos.
Oh that sounds wonderful!
It is!
I'm really surprised about the tattoo ban because tattooing has become SO common in the US. Sometimes I think I'm the only American left who doesn't have at least one. So I'm guessing most American tourists don't even try the Japanese public baths!
There is a real cultural divide. I will say that it's true and obvious that tattoos here have a very strong connection to organized crime, and because of the stigma, most Japanese do NOT have tattoos. Also, Japanese don't really care what other cultures think of their culture which, in a way, is refreshing. But tattoos mean something entirely different in America (and like you, I sometimes feel like I'm only one who doesn't have one!), and that causes some vague resentment among the tourists, for sure.
What a great essay! I wholeheartedly agree: being naked in front of strangers is good for us. I’ve been wanting to write my own essay about this and feel more motivated to do so now. So glad you got to experience this and cushion some of the bad memories of anti-gay gyms with better memories Japanese onsens.
Thank you Claire! Yes, just positive in every way. In fact, I'm going again today! (That's about seven we've been too, total. I'm making it part of MY daily life too!)
just now
We are lucky to have the Korean Day ( scrub) spas in SF and Irvine, Calif that are amazing. Communal nude hot and cold plunge pools do take some getting used to but you are correct about the variety of bodies. They also have salt rooms, ice rooms, clay rooms, saunas, steam, total body scrub and massage to totally detox and relax. The Koreans do it right and these are affordable and you spend hours there getting scrubbed and relaxed.
Banning tattoos? That eliminates a lot of the population. I guess I can’t go to the Japanese baths.
Oh how wonderful! Yes, the Japanese have all those rooms and spas too -- I should have mentioned that! Today, in fact, I believe i shall get a scrub and massage...
The tattoo thing...yes. Sad.