What If We Reviewed Everything Like We're Now Supposed to Review Airbnbs?

Is anything less than five stars really a bad review?

Checking into our latest Airbnb, I was surprised to find this sign on the refrigerator:

There was also a note explaining: “When rating your stay, please consider Short-Term Rentals Rating Scales are different than traditional hotel star rating systems. Vacation Rental Platforms considers anything below 4.6 as a negative review.”

First, why are “Short-Term Rentals Rating Scales” and “Short-Term Rentals Rating Scales” capitalized here? Is this some new social justice issue that I don’t yet know about?

Second, is this whole “anything less than five stars is a negative review” business an example of the “grade inflation” that conservatives keep going on about?

Personally, I think this makes online ratings meaningless, but look, I get it: these ratings have evolved in such a way that anything less than five stars really is a bad review.

But come on. The way things are going, it’s only a matter of time before Airbnbs start posting “review recommendation” signs like this:

Credit where credit is due. This did NOT happen in my Airbnb!

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Soon we will have similar review guidelines for Uber and Lyft drivers:

My Uber driver was NOT able to tear off his head and reanimate it!

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What about guidelines for reviewing airlines and flights?

I was NOT Jodie Foster in Flightplan, moving heaven and earth to find the little girl I just knew I had brought on board! Or, wait, maybe I was…

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Finally, apropos of nothing, are you aware that you can now review Brent and Michael Are Going Places? When considering your review, please use this convenient chart:

Brent and Michael are NOT diabolical sea-witches, plotting to steal your soul. Er, well, at least Michael isn’t.

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P.S. I really did interview Shelley Duvall, back in 1993! She could not have been sweeter or more down-to-earth, and it blew my mind hearing her talk about how, for example, it took dozens of tries to do her famous scene in Annie Hall, which was mostly one long take. “‘The only word for this is transplendent. It's transplendent!’ I just could not get it right.”

Shelley also told me she received the call from Stanley Kubrick to ask her to star in The Shining the same day she won the Palme d’Or for Best Actress at Cannes for 3 Women. “Now that was a good day!”

Shelley Duvall in Robert Altman’s 3 Women, left, and Annie Hall: “Sex with you is really a Kafka-esque experience.”

I’m thrilled Shelley’s put her recent difficulties behind her and is in a much better place these days.

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Brent Hartinger is a screenwriter and author. Check out my new newsletter about my books and movies at BrentHartinger.com.