Brent I'm impressed with your collection of solid friends! I have five really good friends who I feel like I can tell anything and to me that seems like a lot, but I imagine keeping in touch with your list requires intentionality and making time to keep up?
PS I loved your essay about Laura. I recommended it for the Substack Post in their comments, let me know if it ever makes it there :)
This is one of the best articles about friendship I've read. It gets beyond the clichés, identifying the bruises and bumps that come with having friends. It's so hard these days, with politics the way they are, to maintain friendships with people one is convinced are deluded at best, and supporting evil at worst. I've lost a few due to my big mouth (big even outside of politics!), and I have many regrets. Congratulations, Brent, on hanging on to so many good friends.
I’ve noticed that many times, the frustrating aspect of a friend has a flip side that is what makes them fantastic. The friend who is scattered and always late might be energetic and down for adventures; the too-serious, gotta-be-organized friend is dependable and will show up consistently. It’s helped me reframe the annoying stuff (plus know that I am equally annoying in my own ways!).
I attended a webinar a couple of months ago on dementia/Alzheimer's (my father has it), led by a university researcher. It seems like there's a lot more knowledge these days about the exact types of dementia, but still no definitive solution. The usual factors of obesity, smoking, drinkung, no exercise, etc. were cited, and how, especially if you haven't inherited the genetic markup, doing better in those areas *may* help stave off dementia.
During the Q&A, someone asked about the other usual suspects, learning languages, doing crossword puzzles, etc.
And the host said, yes, those can help, but they tend to get repetitive, and lose their effects.
The main aspect, he said (and which was new to me and why I'm writing this spiel), is continuous learning *by getting out into the community*. Hang out with friends! Try new things because they do! Get involved! Stsy interested, and keep learning from your friends ❤️
The reason I've been with my partner George for almost 32 years is that he is literally the only person I've met (I'm 60 if anyone is counting) that I don't mind being around 24/7. As I've gotten older, I find I need to really work to maintain friendships. Attempting to cultivate new friends is an almost herculean task, but I try.
I had a best friend when I was in junior high school who moved from the Seattle area to Arkansas to be nearer her grandparents. That was even my first travel experience, spending a month in rural Arkansas (and probably why I love cities today!) I learned the hard way that relationships take work. I lost this friendship by dropping the ball. Back in the day, you had to write letters and I didn’t. Finally, she said ‘enough’. Since then I have committed myself to working on friendships. My best friend of 40+ years from college lived 3000 miles away and has said that if I hadn’t kept the ball in the air, we wouldn’t still be friends. I tell my nieces and nephews that they can’t expect anyone else to work on a friendship if they aren’t willing to work on it too. I’ve been very lucky and worked hard to have the friends I have and love. Thanks for the article.
My grandmother in Sapporo, who passed away last year, was always surrounded by friends. She spent her final days held by that circle — friends and family — and passed peacefully.
Our generation, by contrast, seems to live with thinner, more fragile relationships. There are many reasons: lack of time, an obsession with efficiency, a culture that avoids friction, and an increasingly digital life.
All the more reason, I think, to consciously value human connection — slow, imperfect, and deeply human.
I think there are also people who are very good at being "connectors" — not just business networking, but in connecting to a variety of people. My dad was one and my son is one, which sometimes makes me think it's genetic. If it is, I didn't get that gene. Since retiring (yay!), I find I have a lot more groups of friends. It's mostly be based on shared activities — tennis, books, choir. Some of these are the kind that are close enough you both notice frustrations and work through them. Others are more of the moment — when the tennis game is over, so is the connection. But in each group, there seems to be someone who excels at bringing people together. It makes me want to work harder at being like that and a little sad about people who have disappeared from my life because I wasn't.
Brent I'm impressed with your collection of solid friends! I have five really good friends who I feel like I can tell anything and to me that seems like a lot, but I imagine keeping in touch with your list requires intentionality and making time to keep up?
PS I loved your essay about Laura. I recommended it for the Substack Post in their comments, let me know if it ever makes it there :)
This is one of the best articles about friendship I've read. It gets beyond the clichés, identifying the bruises and bumps that come with having friends. It's so hard these days, with politics the way they are, to maintain friendships with people one is convinced are deluded at best, and supporting evil at worst. I've lost a few due to my big mouth (big even outside of politics!), and I have many regrets. Congratulations, Brent, on hanging on to so many good friends.
Love it!
I’ve noticed that many times, the frustrating aspect of a friend has a flip side that is what makes them fantastic. The friend who is scattered and always late might be energetic and down for adventures; the too-serious, gotta-be-organized friend is dependable and will show up consistently. It’s helped me reframe the annoying stuff (plus know that I am equally annoying in my own ways!).
Here’s to friends. They’re the best.
I attended a webinar a couple of months ago on dementia/Alzheimer's (my father has it), led by a university researcher. It seems like there's a lot more knowledge these days about the exact types of dementia, but still no definitive solution. The usual factors of obesity, smoking, drinkung, no exercise, etc. were cited, and how, especially if you haven't inherited the genetic markup, doing better in those areas *may* help stave off dementia.
During the Q&A, someone asked about the other usual suspects, learning languages, doing crossword puzzles, etc.
And the host said, yes, those can help, but they tend to get repetitive, and lose their effects.
The main aspect, he said (and which was new to me and why I'm writing this spiel), is continuous learning *by getting out into the community*. Hang out with friends! Try new things because they do! Get involved! Stsy interested, and keep learning from your friends ❤️
The reason I've been with my partner George for almost 32 years is that he is literally the only person I've met (I'm 60 if anyone is counting) that I don't mind being around 24/7. As I've gotten older, I find I need to really work to maintain friendships. Attempting to cultivate new friends is an almost herculean task, but I try.
I had a best friend when I was in junior high school who moved from the Seattle area to Arkansas to be nearer her grandparents. That was even my first travel experience, spending a month in rural Arkansas (and probably why I love cities today!) I learned the hard way that relationships take work. I lost this friendship by dropping the ball. Back in the day, you had to write letters and I didn’t. Finally, she said ‘enough’. Since then I have committed myself to working on friendships. My best friend of 40+ years from college lived 3000 miles away and has said that if I hadn’t kept the ball in the air, we wouldn’t still be friends. I tell my nieces and nephews that they can’t expect anyone else to work on a friendship if they aren’t willing to work on it too. I’ve been very lucky and worked hard to have the friends I have and love. Thanks for the article.
Lovely! An ode to friendship.
My grandmother in Sapporo, who passed away last year, was always surrounded by friends. She spent her final days held by that circle — friends and family — and passed peacefully.
Our generation, by contrast, seems to live with thinner, more fragile relationships. There are many reasons: lack of time, an obsession with efficiency, a culture that avoids friction, and an increasingly digital life.
All the more reason, I think, to consciously value human connection — slow, imperfect, and deeply human.
I think there are also people who are very good at being "connectors" — not just business networking, but in connecting to a variety of people. My dad was one and my son is one, which sometimes makes me think it's genetic. If it is, I didn't get that gene. Since retiring (yay!), I find I have a lot more groups of friends. It's mostly be based on shared activities — tennis, books, choir. Some of these are the kind that are close enough you both notice frustrations and work through them. Others are more of the moment — when the tennis game is over, so is the connection. But in each group, there seems to be someone who excels at bringing people together. It makes me want to work harder at being like that and a little sad about people who have disappeared from my life because I wasn't.