This is one of the best articles about friendship I've read. It gets beyond the clichés, identifying the bruises and bumps that come with having friends. It's so hard these days, with politics the way they are, to maintain friendships with people one is convinced are deluded at best, and supporting evil at worst. I've lost a few due to my big mouth (big even outside of politics!), and I have many regrets. Congratulations, Brent, on hanging on to so many good friends.
Yeah, politics is tough. I'm lucky because all of my friends abhor Trump -- though some also abhor the far left (to different degrees). I'm not sure if I could handle an enthusiastic Trump-supporter as a friend because I do think it's pretty obviously fascism.
I’ve noticed that many times, the frustrating aspect of a friend has a flip side that is what makes them fantastic. The friend who is scattered and always late might be energetic and down for adventures; the too-serious, gotta-be-organized friend is dependable and will show up consistently. It’s helped me reframe the annoying stuff (plus know that I am equally annoying in my own ways!).
Brent I'm impressed with your collection of solid friends! I have five really good friends who I feel like I can tell anything and to me that seems like a lot, but I imagine keeping in touch with your list requires intentionality and making time to keep up?
PS I loved your essay about Laura. I recommended it for the Substack Post in their comments, let me know if it ever makes it there :)
I had a best friend when I was in junior high school who moved from the Seattle area to Arkansas to be nearer her grandparents. That was even my first travel experience, spending a month in rural Arkansas (and probably why I love cities today!) I learned the hard way that relationships take work. I lost this friendship by dropping the ball. Back in the day, you had to write letters and I didn’t. Finally, she said ‘enough’. Since then I have committed myself to working on friendships. My best friend of 40+ years from college lived 3000 miles away and has said that if I hadn’t kept the ball in the air, we wouldn’t still be friends. I tell my nieces and nephews that they can’t expect anyone else to work on a friendship if they aren’t willing to work on it too. I’ve been very lucky and worked hard to have the friends I have and love. Thanks for the article.
Thanks, Vicki! Yeah, definitely work, although I guess it's self-rewarding work. Weirdly, I'm kinda grateful for the conflicts I've had in recent years, because I kinda feel like friendships have been "tested," which is a good thing.
The reason I've been with my partner George for almost 32 years is that he is literally the only person I've met (I'm 60 if anyone is counting) that I don't mind being around 24/7. As I've gotten older, I find I need to really work to maintain friendships. Attempting to cultivate new friends is an almost herculean task, but I try.
My grandmother in Sapporo, who passed away last year, was always surrounded by friends. She spent her final days held by that circle — friends and family — and passed peacefully.
Our generation, by contrast, seems to live with thinner, more fragile relationships. There are many reasons: lack of time, an obsession with efficiency, a culture that avoids friction, and an increasingly digital life.
All the more reason, I think, to consciously value human connection — slow, imperfect, and deeply human.
Yeah, I also think people rely on "work" friendships, which disappear the instant work ends. I worry how this generation will survive into older age. "Fragile" and "thinner" is the perfect description.
I attended a webinar a couple of months ago on dementia/Alzheimer's (my father has it), led by a university researcher. It seems like there's a lot more knowledge these days about the exact types of dementia, but still no definitive solution. The usual factors of obesity, smoking, drinkung, no exercise, etc. were cited, and how, especially if you haven't inherited the genetic markup, doing better in those areas *may* help stave off dementia.
During the Q&A, someone asked about the other usual suspects, learning languages, doing crossword puzzles, etc.
And the host said, yes, those can help, but they tend to get repetitive, and lose their effects.
The main aspect, he said (and which was new to me and why I'm writing this spiel), is continuous learning *by getting out into the community*. Hang out with friends! Try new things because they do! Get involved! Stsy interested, and keep learning from your friends ❤️
Yeah, that makes SO MUCH SENSE to me! Friends really push and pull you in fantastic ways. (I have a history of dementia in my family, so this is especially good to hear!)
I think there are also people who are very good at being "connectors" — not just business networking, but in connecting to a variety of people. My dad was one and my son is one, which sometimes makes me think it's genetic. If it is, I didn't get that gene. Since retiring (yay!), I find I have a lot more groups of friends. It's mostly be based on shared activities — tennis, books, choir. Some of these are the kind that are close enough you both notice frustrations and work through them. Others are more of the moment — when the tennis game is over, so is the connection. But in each group, there seems to be someone who excels at bringing people together. It makes me want to work harder at being like that and a little sad about people who have disappeared from my life because I wasn't.
I'm TERRIBLE at parties, but I'm good at dinner parties, and I do think I'm good at making friends. Hadn't thought of it exactly like that! That makes a lot of sense.
And yes, man, shared activity is so important. When I see friends I haven't seen in a while, I always make a point to DO something -- not just "lunch." And I think it makes such a difference to have a shared adventure and ALSO to have a focus on more than just "us."
I love this! Friendship -- especially among men -- is underrated and underappreciated. I'm always trying to cajole my friends, especially those who live far away -- to make the effort to get together. Because, you know, we won't all be here forever.
Some great points, Brent. And many aspects of friendship that aren't really discussed. It certainly requires some toggling, which friends are frustrating and which are toxic, but it's all part of the process I suppose!
You also lose friends when you heal, when you become a more balanced person. I love that you hit resilience and tolerance as keys to friendship.
For me, the more authentic I became and the less performative based on what I think others want, the deeper the connections I’ve made. I’m a truer magnet for friends who are more likely to get each other.
I’m much happier with my relationships.
Also… I haven’t heard the term braying jackass in so long. lol
Very true! And I love what you said about being less performative. That said, I think there's a very American tendency to emphasize immediate comfort and satisfaction -- a transactional thing -- and I think this impairs friendships too...
I'd written something longer originally, and after posting it realized "This sounds like it's a lot about me rather than what Brent's talking about", so I edited it.
I mean, not that I'm above being self-absorbed, but I don't think I'm Donald Trump...yet.
I'm so so sorry for the grief you're experiencing. I consider that proof of the depth of your ability to care and love. It says a lot of good things about you and Laura. I so wish we never had to lose anyone.
This is one of the best articles about friendship I've read. It gets beyond the clichés, identifying the bruises and bumps that come with having friends. It's so hard these days, with politics the way they are, to maintain friendships with people one is convinced are deluded at best, and supporting evil at worst. I've lost a few due to my big mouth (big even outside of politics!), and I have many regrets. Congratulations, Brent, on hanging on to so many good friends.
Thanks, Peter!
Yeah, politics is tough. I'm lucky because all of my friends abhor Trump -- though some also abhor the far left (to different degrees). I'm not sure if I could handle an enthusiastic Trump-supporter as a friend because I do think it's pretty obviously fascism.
Love it!
I’ve noticed that many times, the frustrating aspect of a friend has a flip side that is what makes them fantastic. The friend who is scattered and always late might be energetic and down for adventures; the too-serious, gotta-be-organized friend is dependable and will show up consistently. It’s helped me reframe the annoying stuff (plus know that I am equally annoying in my own ways!).
Here’s to friends. They’re the best.
Oh that is a FANTASTIC point! (That I wish I'd made!)
Yeahhh. They are what makes life worth living, that's for sure.
Brent I'm impressed with your collection of solid friends! I have five really good friends who I feel like I can tell anything and to me that seems like a lot, but I imagine keeping in touch with your list requires intentionality and making time to keep up?
PS I loved your essay about Laura. I recommended it for the Substack Post in their comments, let me know if it ever makes it there :)
Thanks! I'm glad the essay captured Laura. Honestly, I've never experienced grief like I feel toward her.
I'm lucky to have the friends I have, but yeah, I've always had a fairly easy time making friends. I'm lucky in that respect too!
I had a best friend when I was in junior high school who moved from the Seattle area to Arkansas to be nearer her grandparents. That was even my first travel experience, spending a month in rural Arkansas (and probably why I love cities today!) I learned the hard way that relationships take work. I lost this friendship by dropping the ball. Back in the day, you had to write letters and I didn’t. Finally, she said ‘enough’. Since then I have committed myself to working on friendships. My best friend of 40+ years from college lived 3000 miles away and has said that if I hadn’t kept the ball in the air, we wouldn’t still be friends. I tell my nieces and nephews that they can’t expect anyone else to work on a friendship if they aren’t willing to work on it too. I’ve been very lucky and worked hard to have the friends I have and love. Thanks for the article.
Thanks, Vicki! Yeah, definitely work, although I guess it's self-rewarding work. Weirdly, I'm kinda grateful for the conflicts I've had in recent years, because I kinda feel like friendships have been "tested," which is a good thing.
The reason I've been with my partner George for almost 32 years is that he is literally the only person I've met (I'm 60 if anyone is counting) that I don't mind being around 24/7. As I've gotten older, I find I need to really work to maintain friendships. Attempting to cultivate new friends is an almost herculean task, but I try.
I feel the same way about Michael! LOL (Note: I love all my friends though!)
My grandmother in Sapporo, who passed away last year, was always surrounded by friends. She spent her final days held by that circle — friends and family — and passed peacefully.
Our generation, by contrast, seems to live with thinner, more fragile relationships. There are many reasons: lack of time, an obsession with efficiency, a culture that avoids friction, and an increasingly digital life.
All the more reason, I think, to consciously value human connection — slow, imperfect, and deeply human.
Yeah, I also think people rely on "work" friendships, which disappear the instant work ends. I worry how this generation will survive into older age. "Fragile" and "thinner" is the perfect description.
Thank you. To be honest, I also tend to prioritize work relationships too much. I’d like to find a better balance.
I attended a webinar a couple of months ago on dementia/Alzheimer's (my father has it), led by a university researcher. It seems like there's a lot more knowledge these days about the exact types of dementia, but still no definitive solution. The usual factors of obesity, smoking, drinkung, no exercise, etc. were cited, and how, especially if you haven't inherited the genetic markup, doing better in those areas *may* help stave off dementia.
During the Q&A, someone asked about the other usual suspects, learning languages, doing crossword puzzles, etc.
And the host said, yes, those can help, but they tend to get repetitive, and lose their effects.
The main aspect, he said (and which was new to me and why I'm writing this spiel), is continuous learning *by getting out into the community*. Hang out with friends! Try new things because they do! Get involved! Stsy interested, and keep learning from your friends ❤️
Yeah, that makes SO MUCH SENSE to me! Friends really push and pull you in fantastic ways. (I have a history of dementia in my family, so this is especially good to hear!)
I think there are also people who are very good at being "connectors" — not just business networking, but in connecting to a variety of people. My dad was one and my son is one, which sometimes makes me think it's genetic. If it is, I didn't get that gene. Since retiring (yay!), I find I have a lot more groups of friends. It's mostly be based on shared activities — tennis, books, choir. Some of these are the kind that are close enough you both notice frustrations and work through them. Others are more of the moment — when the tennis game is over, so is the connection. But in each group, there seems to be someone who excels at bringing people together. It makes me want to work harder at being like that and a little sad about people who have disappeared from my life because I wasn't.
I'm TERRIBLE at parties, but I'm good at dinner parties, and I do think I'm good at making friends. Hadn't thought of it exactly like that! That makes a lot of sense.
And yes, man, shared activity is so important. When I see friends I haven't seen in a while, I always make a point to DO something -- not just "lunch." And I think it makes such a difference to have a shared adventure and ALSO to have a focus on more than just "us."
I try to explain that to my son that online friendships are not that. He hated me for it. 🫡
Yes I bet that wouldn't go over well 😂
Dude, Bro, Bravo! So so beautiful! 😇🫠🤩🤔😏🥳🤠🥸
Thank you 🙂😍
I love this! Friendship -- especially among men -- is underrated and underappreciated. I'm always trying to cajole my friends, especially those who live far away -- to make the effort to get together. Because, you know, we won't all be here forever.
It's sad, isn't it? Yes, I think it's a particular problem with men.
And thanks!
People who don't make family and friends a high priority are missing out, sadly.
Yep
Some great points, Brent. And many aspects of friendship that aren't really discussed. It certainly requires some toggling, which friends are frustrating and which are toxic, but it's all part of the process I suppose!
This sounds somewhat craven but leaving to nomad was clarifying which friendship were important and real, and which were obligatory. 🤔
"Toxic" is a whole other category! 😂
Oh yeah, 100%. Moving far away, or even big life changes in general, tends to shake things loose a bit in that regard.
You also lose friends when you heal, when you become a more balanced person. I love that you hit resilience and tolerance as keys to friendship.
For me, the more authentic I became and the less performative based on what I think others want, the deeper the connections I’ve made. I’m a truer magnet for friends who are more likely to get each other.
I’m much happier with my relationships.
Also… I haven’t heard the term braying jackass in so long. lol
Very true! And I love what you said about being less performative. That said, I think there's a very American tendency to emphasize immediate comfort and satisfaction -- a transactional thing -- and I think this impairs friendships too...
I LOVE the term "braying jackass." hehe
Friends are often messy, but you know what?
That's why they're your friends, because you're pretty messy to them, too!
EXACTLY!!!
I'd written something longer originally, and after posting it realized "This sounds like it's a lot about me rather than what Brent's talking about", so I edited it.
I mean, not that I'm above being self-absorbed, but I don't think I'm Donald Trump...yet.
😂😂😂😂
It wouldn't be a comments section about a little self-absorption!
I'm so so sorry for the grief you're experiencing. I consider that proof of the depth of your ability to care and love. It says a lot of good things about you and Laura. I so wish we never had to lose anyone.
I appreciate that. Yeah, I guess the transient nature of life makes things more "valuable," but... screw that crap.