This essay hit me very closely, as I have similar traits. But why is it that you see your traits to be the ones that are “broken”? Why can’t it be that those who can’t do without the company of others are, perhaps, the broken ones, unable to embrace the ultimate solitude of life? You seem to see only one possibility, where your inner needs make you defective. I think life is too complicated for that.
I relate so much to what you say… but for me, what makes this nomadic life work so well is that I am sharing it with the one person that fills my heart and soul. I’m in touch with friends and family, but I don’t feel that need for a community or roots somewhere (like you, I think it would be nice but not at the cost of a loss of freedom). However, I think it would feel quite different if my partner died… I have always wondered that. I don’t think travelling alone would feel the same without that built in intimacy and deep friendship and I believe I would start missing having a stable community around much more. Thanks for sharing this!
Traveling without Brent absolutely wouldn’t feel the same. But I fear that if the worst happened and I was on my own, traveling would be the only way for me to stay sane. Perhaps I’d be running from feelings, but if I settled down alone, I think I’d do nothing but obssess over missing him and become deeply depressed.
How I hear you… I personally feel like surrounding myself with people who know my heart would be the best I could do to help… but yeah, the lack of travel/movement/novelty would be very hard…
I can completely relate to EVERYTHING you’ve written in this post, even the couple dynamics! And, weird timing, I was just thinking about this and asking myself the same question literally two days ago, so much so that I ended up ordering two books about it: Alone, the Badass Psychology of People Who Like Being Alone… and Party of One, the Loner’s Manifesto 😂 Being aware of how much I prefer alone time, I do make a conscious effort to notice when I do feel warm and fuzzy/happy on the inside being around people and then put more value on cultivating lasting relationships with those individuals.
Nope. Not broken. Just you. John and I are built similarly. We've learned to own our little part of "the spectrum" without inner criticism. ;-) Society (especially U.S. society) does not support that—another discovery of self-acceptance since we've been living in los Frailes, San Miguel de Allende. What a nice community here in los Frailes. They accept who you are, wherever you're coming from and whatever your desired level of involvement. What a concept!
Loved this one! I am also a happy loner. So often we're told we need to build community, and it's best to have lots of friends, but I just don't really need that, and I think that's ok!
Both you and Brent are really cool, but I'm probably closer to you in personality. I have a few friends, but only one from childhood, and we're hardly close. I think it's a combination of the fact my family moved a lot, plus a few friends turned against me (will never know why) and the scars keep me on the alert, suspicious of new relationships. (Plus I have "foot-in-mouth disease.") Like you, though, I'm lucky I have a life partner who always forgives me my "warts." We may be wobbly, Michael, but we're not broken. In fact, I think we may be in the majority.
If you are broken, it sounds like you’ve used kintsugi to heal the worst gaps. One could have a worse epitaph than “good friend, good husband, good citizen”.
From what I’ve seen you’re a most acceptable human who has overcome the worst of the things that he has experienced and not allowed them to sour him.
I appreciate the vulnerability shown here and the realization that we all are trying to make the life we want. There isn’t a right or wrong way to do it but realizing what you need (or don’t) is the best way to create a life you want
I think, regardless of the deep-rooted “why” of it, it’s okay that there are different strokes for different folks. Plus, you have a committed relationship, why must you also have a bevy of friends if it’s not in your nature?
It’s always good to muse and self-reflect but please don’t conclude that you’re “broken”.
This was a really interesting and familiar essay. Thank you for being so vulnerable. As I can see from the responses, we are not alone. I'll share an interesting detail I learned from a therapist. These traits are not so much being "broken" as learned survival skills from childhood. Developing self-reliance puts a safer distance, both physical and emotional, from a child and a parent who can be unpredicably scary. And while many people relate solitude to negative feelings of loneliness, those who were raised in chaotic and dysfunctional home enviroments often associate being alone to positive or neutral emotions. It equates to feelings such as calmness, peace, control and the ability to let one's guard down. Of course every human experience is different but these viewpoints changed my personal viewpoint about myself.
Thanks for sharing that perspective, Jeanne. More than anything, there’s no “right” or “wrong” to be or to think about ourselves. We each have to figure out what works for us.
There's no such thing as being perfect. And life is filled with phases and fluctuations. For here, for now, this is you. Later it may be different, or not. Fucked up childhoods affect us in all kinds of ways, and the journey back to our real selves is long and winding. This is where you are now.
Please don't call yourself broken--you're human. The light gets in through the cracks in our souls.
Thanks, Rebecca. Appreciate your thoughts. As for calling myself “broken,” I don’t think that necessarily has to be a bad thing. For me, it’s just part of life and who I am, but I love the idea of light shining in through the cracks.
We're all broken somehow - and yes, you are good enough! ☺️ You're wonderful, actually! 🌸
So true.
Thank you, Milo. And, yeah, I think we all have our “damage.”
This essay hit me very closely, as I have similar traits. But why is it that you see your traits to be the ones that are “broken”? Why can’t it be that those who can’t do without the company of others are, perhaps, the broken ones, unable to embrace the ultimate solitude of life? You seem to see only one possibility, where your inner needs make you defective. I think life is too complicated for that.
There are certainly different ways of looking at it and if a person finds them validating, that’s great.
YES! I never thought about it this way!
Not broken, just more of an introvert maybe.
Interesting but I don’t think I am an introvert. Though of course there are all kinds of introverts!
I relate so much to what you say… but for me, what makes this nomadic life work so well is that I am sharing it with the one person that fills my heart and soul. I’m in touch with friends and family, but I don’t feel that need for a community or roots somewhere (like you, I think it would be nice but not at the cost of a loss of freedom). However, I think it would feel quite different if my partner died… I have always wondered that. I don’t think travelling alone would feel the same without that built in intimacy and deep friendship and I believe I would start missing having a stable community around much more. Thanks for sharing this!
Traveling without Brent absolutely wouldn’t feel the same. But I fear that if the worst happened and I was on my own, traveling would be the only way for me to stay sane. Perhaps I’d be running from feelings, but if I settled down alone, I think I’d do nothing but obssess over missing him and become deeply depressed.
How I hear you… I personally feel like surrounding myself with people who know my heart would be the best I could do to help… but yeah, the lack of travel/movement/novelty would be very hard…
Yes, so well said!
I can completely relate to EVERYTHING you’ve written in this post, even the couple dynamics! And, weird timing, I was just thinking about this and asking myself the same question literally two days ago, so much so that I ended up ordering two books about it: Alone, the Badass Psychology of People Who Like Being Alone… and Party of One, the Loner’s Manifesto 😂 Being aware of how much I prefer alone time, I do make a conscious effort to notice when I do feel warm and fuzzy/happy on the inside being around people and then put more value on cultivating lasting relationships with those individuals.
I love that you’re exploring who you are and why you are that way. This essay is probably about as far as I’ll go! LOL
Nope. Not broken. Just you. John and I are built similarly. We've learned to own our little part of "the spectrum" without inner criticism. ;-) Society (especially U.S. society) does not support that—another discovery of self-acceptance since we've been living in los Frailes, San Miguel de Allende. What a nice community here in los Frailes. They accept who you are, wherever you're coming from and whatever your desired level of involvement. What a concept!
San Miguel! Was thinking about our time there just the other day! Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts.
Loved this one! I am also a happy loner. So often we're told we need to build community, and it's best to have lots of friends, but I just don't really need that, and I think that's ok!
It’s definitely okay!
Both you and Brent are really cool, but I'm probably closer to you in personality. I have a few friends, but only one from childhood, and we're hardly close. I think it's a combination of the fact my family moved a lot, plus a few friends turned against me (will never know why) and the scars keep me on the alert, suspicious of new relationships. (Plus I have "foot-in-mouth disease.") Like you, though, I'm lucky I have a life partner who always forgives me my "warts." We may be wobbly, Michael, but we're not broken. In fact, I think we may be in the majority.
You could be right about being the majority!
Related to this deeply.
Then I am in good company.
If you are broken, it sounds like you’ve used kintsugi to heal the worst gaps. One could have a worse epitaph than “good friend, good husband, good citizen”.
From what I’ve seen you’re a most acceptable human who has overcome the worst of the things that he has experienced and not allowed them to sour him.
Thanks, Mike. And I love the idea of using something to heal the gaps.
I appreciate the vulnerability shown here and the realization that we all are trying to make the life we want. There isn’t a right or wrong way to do it but realizing what you need (or don’t) is the best way to create a life you want
Thank you, Stephanie. It felt a little weird to put out into the world! And you are absolutely wrong or right to build a life.
I'm glad you put it out into the world
I Can relate to your description of yourself. Maybe I am "broken" also but I am ok with it. A great piece, enjoyed your introspection.
Thank you very much, Catherine.
I’m right there with you.
I think, regardless of the deep-rooted “why” of it, it’s okay that there are different strokes for different folks. Plus, you have a committed relationship, why must you also have a bevy of friends if it’s not in your nature?
It’s always good to muse and self-reflect but please don’t conclude that you’re “broken”.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, KB!
This was a really interesting and familiar essay. Thank you for being so vulnerable. As I can see from the responses, we are not alone. I'll share an interesting detail I learned from a therapist. These traits are not so much being "broken" as learned survival skills from childhood. Developing self-reliance puts a safer distance, both physical and emotional, from a child and a parent who can be unpredicably scary. And while many people relate solitude to negative feelings of loneliness, those who were raised in chaotic and dysfunctional home enviroments often associate being alone to positive or neutral emotions. It equates to feelings such as calmness, peace, control and the ability to let one's guard down. Of course every human experience is different but these viewpoints changed my personal viewpoint about myself.
Thanks for sharing that perspective, Jeanne. More than anything, there’s no “right” or “wrong” to be or to think about ourselves. We each have to figure out what works for us.
There's no such thing as being perfect. And life is filled with phases and fluctuations. For here, for now, this is you. Later it may be different, or not. Fucked up childhoods affect us in all kinds of ways, and the journey back to our real selves is long and winding. This is where you are now.
Please don't call yourself broken--you're human. The light gets in through the cracks in our souls.
Thanks, Rebecca. Appreciate your thoughts. As for calling myself “broken,” I don’t think that necessarily has to be a bad thing. For me, it’s just part of life and who I am, but I love the idea of light shining in through the cracks.
Never let the perfect, especially someone’s definition, get in the way of the good. You are both happy in this moment. Lucky you!
Thanks, Rosemary. And I promise I’m not letting anyone else define me!